[I’ve gone back to a tactic of several months ago: I’m typing this out at home, will store it on a USB memory stick and copy it into the thread the next time I’m on-line. This means that I feel less pressure to finish what I’m typing in a hurry, but also that I can’t re-read what I’ve already posted.] The earlier allusion to the cinematic cliché of the young gunslinger gunning down his erstwhile hero is a bit off-centre, because I’m not a gunslinger (speaking figuratively). I disdain macho posturing and “gunning down” rivals.
But I WAS (still am) very popular in the 15M movement [ironically, largely to do with my more “feminine” side] and that’s something that L seems to be trying to outdo me in, on 2 fronts: by getting involved [and noticed] much more than he ever did before [which I could approve if I didn’t suspect his motives], and by attempting to decrease my popularity with others (e.g. by making snide remarks about me).
S continues to greet me, hug me, etc. in the presence of other people, but evades closeness when others aren’t around. L has progressed to openly criticising me and accusing me of various faults. But he does this in a “joking” way, so that if I defend myself, he can say: “But I was only joking. Ease up!” And if I don’t defend myself, I’ve “admitted my guilt” by my silence. On at least 2 occasions, S has been present when he’s been doing this and it hurts me that someone who once declared eternal [platonic] love to me doesn’t come to my defence when L is attacking me. [Not that I need her to defend me – or that it would do any good – just it bothers me that she doesn’t care.]
So, several thoughts have been bouncing around in my head:
1) Did S bring up the subject of polyamory with her Argentinian boyfriend during a ’phone call? / Has she decided to leave him in favour of L? / Or is it just a case of old-fashioned cheating?
2) Did the talks about polyamory between S and me in the first phase of the march pave the way for her present sexual relationship with L? [Put ideas into her head?]
3) If I hadn’t insisted on honesty towards her boyfriend, would she have been willing to start a relationship with me?
4) Does she prefer the macho male attitude of L to my role of wimp who walks away from power games? [In which case I REALLY read her wrong before!] Or is it just that he’s great in bed?
5) [I think that this is the one that bothers me most (and bounces most)... because it’s the one I think most likely, and the one which would lead to most future hearthache for S.] Was much [even most] of L’s interest in S another facet of his determination to outdo me in every possible field? If not, why the relative lack of interest in her until he’d noticed that I WAS interested? Even if my interest was much more weighted toward friendship and his toward the typical man-woman thing.
6) [This is another one that bothers me a lot, because it questions my own position in this.] How much of all this is jealousy and sour grapes on my part? It’s true that I had already decided against getting involved sexually with S, but am I jealous of L for getting what I didn’t?
At any rate, the Yeti continues to observe Human emotional interactions and wonder about it all...
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellenceThe person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverbAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais NinI'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.