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Old 09-16-2011, 10:57 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

All right, I'll try to write some thoughts I had before the mentioning of boobs flew them right out of my head.

I really like the essay on Superhuman Soul! I agree with everything Veaux has to say in it, and it's stuff I've been thinking a lot lately. After starting to live/think polyamorously, I've realised this is how I've always felt about relationships. I've never been comfortable with the idea that relationships and people are replaceable. There's just been a conflict in my head between my natural way of thinking and loving and the assumption I had that I can only be with one partner (because no way I would be so lucky to find somebody I love and who loves me and who I'm compatible with AND who'll be open to poly - I've never been happier I was wrong!). I have and have had needs Alec cannot meet, and I've often been anxious about the "fact" that if I stay with him I'll never get them met in a romantic relationship. But while I had these thoughts, I always concluded I love him and want to stay with him. Finally, with opening my mind to polyamory, I realise I can have it all and there is no more anxiety. I no longer need to focus on the needs he can't meet and I can truly appreciate all the ways in which he is good to me. I can now appreciate him as he is, and not be forced into the people-as-commodities-thinking, i.e. thinking about a checklist of things I want/need and counting how many are present in our relationship and wondering if I should try to change him for somebody with whom I can tick more boxes (assuming I would find such a person). That's felt so wrong, because the beauty of a person is their Superhuman Soul, who they are, and that's more than the relationship needs they fill for me.

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Maybe I should just ask if they like-like her... but if I did would my jealousy be obvious and weird them out?
I was thinking about this, and I'll write even though the situation was now resolved. I think it's good that you didn't let your internal freakout be an external one. However, I think it might have actually been ok to ask them what they feel for her. And I don't think you need to hide that you're jealous. You're entitled to feel that way, as long as you don't let it have too much of an impact how you act (which you haven't). Maybe it's even something you should let them, or at least Gia, know, while of course making sure she also knows that your feelings don't mean you want her to hang out with her less or in any other way to change her behaviour. I'm thinking that I would definitely want to know if something like this was making my partner feel insecure or jealous or bad. That information wouldn't, in itself, change how I act, but it's important to me they know they can talk to me and that I care about how they feel. And I think it's also important to talk about the feelings while you are still able to control how you react to them and be reasonable. From everything you've told about Gia, I see no reason to think she wouldn't be understanding and supportive. And, I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask (if you felt like it) if she would feel ok not have sex with somebody else (besides Eric, of course) until you two have started again. It doesn't sound like she wants to, either way. But I think it is relevant information to her that you wouldn't feel comfortable with it at this situation.
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