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Old 09-15-2011, 08:06 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 602
Default Missing and longing and working and anticipating

A lot going on, but I am bound nevertheless most of the time. Bound to think about Lin and Sward, myself, my family, our friends or the future. Have been in “worry-mode” again some days ago because of a comment a mutual friend of Sward and me made about our 'three person flat-sharing community'. She seems to know some friends who did live in a vee for some years and there seems to have happened a lot of drama. Depression, kids, jealousy and the like. But she didn't really relate to us with the poly-aspect, I don't think that she will think of us in that regard for some time still. But I am worried what will come out of a negative reaction from our friends. They are really important for Sward and I don't want to stir up agitation and concern in their relationship. Most of them will say, 'you have to know what you want to do' or something along those lines but it will cause a ruckus for him and them first. But we will see, crossing the bridge before coming to it again.

Lin's medical condition seems to stay stable, which is good news. It would have caused some trouble if he wouldn't have been able to complete his therapy this month (finally after all the years, I am so happy that he turned this corner and everything seems to get 'normal' at last). But he is unable to sleep soundly at the moment which is a new problem they are looking into now. He says it is because he misses me and wants to be here ultimately, but I am a bit concerned that he is unable to sleep through most of the nights but then suddenly sleeps for 18 hours straight. Can't be healthy as well.

My nights are far from being sweet, but not to that extent. It still feels weird to lay next to a person you love but long for another at the same time. And Sward is so compassionate, it sometimes moves me to tears. We talked about the times when he and I were apart (it has never been more than a week normally, two times two weeks when I was on a field excursion) and he understands how Lin and I feel when we are only able to talk to each other. Got some trouble with our internet connection during last week therefore we were only able to call each other by phone. He and Lin talked about this particular problem today morning before Sward had to go to work. I love how he tries to comfort Lin in this situation. They are helping each other and my heart doesn't stop beating faster when I think of them. So so sooo happy at the moment.

My mother teased me a bit some days ago when I was cooking dinner for Sward. I don't cook normally, that has been Swards domain through most of the years of our relationship. Our dynamic is that of a traditional couple from the fifties, but gender-reverse in regard to the roles. And even if I use this cliche with a wink, I mean it more in the negative sense. I can be macho from time to time and I need to work on this. Be that as it may, my mother made a comment about 'I never thought I would live to see the day when you start to cook, did there really have to come another man before you started thinking about it?' It isn't that dramatic but I felt a new dynamic when Lin was here and I really behaved differently during that time. But maybe I just changed over the years and some aspects come to life naturally now because of Lin's initiation or simple presence even. Some things will definitely change when we live together with all three of us here. And I don't think that Sward will think of all of them as troublesome

I could go on and on but there is just so much that keeps me occupied at the moment. I know that it is quite some risk that we take in moving in a newly established relationship so soon. But somehow our situation feels a bit different from a 'normal' relationship that any of us had in the past. We know each other for six years now. Lin and I dealt with our feelings for four (Lin) and three (I) years and have been together nearly 24/7 during this time. I don't really know since when Sward suspected a deeper connection between us but the first time he asked was in 2008. Every time Sward came home from work or I from university, Lin was there as soon as we switched the PC on. (Which is practically instantly as soon as someone arrives home.)

What can I say, I am a pessimist at times, but I think we can pull this off
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Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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