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Old 09-14-2011, 07:12 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 5,384

Hi RS, welcome to the forum.

Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post

We had tried relationship therapy...
You two saw a counselor together? For how long? Have you also had individual counseling along with your anti-depressant meds? Some SSRIs do not affect the libido as much as others. Also, what is up with being tired and headachy all the time? Do you have chronic fatigue syndrome? Or do you think your fatigue could be caused by your SSRI?

...and s&m.
I am wondering how much you delved into this lifestyle. Most people into it call it BDSM. The BD stands for bondage and discipline. The DS stands for D/s, or Domination and submission. The SM stands for sado-masochism.

Does he want to be a fulltime Dom to someone, or just play with it in a "scene?" If he wants a fulltime sub with complete power exchange (as I suspect, seeing as he wants "love" to enter into it), that could take up a lot of his time. Has he tried being a Dom online to someone already? Some people do this, in long distance relationships. Would you be OK with that? It might relieve some of his desires for that kind of relationship. He could play with an online friend while you check your FB or sleep.

He doesn't want a no strings attached relationship, he wants an open and honest "love" one. It is the thought of not being special that makes me feel jealous. Having to share him. Knowing that I wasn't enough. Of course the thought of him just physically having sex with someone makes my blood boil too. Which is weird seeing as I don't have a high sex-drive myself.
Yes, it is weird, but common. Of course, it's not fair. Not getting enough sex/kink longterm can really do a number on a person's self esteem and general quality of life. The lack can loom larger and larger until it becomes so overwhelming it's nearly all one can think about. I suspect your h is already in that place.

Try and look at the benefits in it for you, to have a more relaxed fulfilled partner who can then devote more love and attention to you with that certain tension gone.

I would rather that if it has to happen that he just goes off and has affairs and didn't talk about them, but I know that I wouldn't in reality be 100% okay with that either.
We call that a dont ask dont tell relationship, or DADT. It works for some people. Even if it was "true poly," you can choose how many details you'd want to hear about his dates. You just need firm boundaries around how much time you are comfortable with him spending on other women each week (dating, texting, IMing and phone calls). New relationship energy (NRE) can really distract people.

Originally Posted by RaspberrySurprise View Post could be hormonal or medical. Depression has been with me for sometime. I also take fluoxetine for it. plus I have PCOS which messes with my hormones. I wont go into the other medical issues on here but there are quite a few. I rarely am without a headache and am tired all the time.
This is a shame! I bet he is a bit burnt out being a caretaker to a person with multiple medical issues. If you two are good in other areas, another lover could nurture him and help him to help you. If you are not confident in his love and feeling inadequate, however, this could be a problem. You'd probably feel afraid he'd leave you for the other person.

I would love the "daydream" notion that I could be her best friend and he could have someone to do s&m with. But how likely is that?
Well, best friends, not real likely. But becoming good friends with your partner's partner (your metamour) can and does happen.

I know you wanted one on one attention here, but I highly recommend you read around the board, especially on the New to Poly section, to read about the common issues surrounding opening a marriage to polyamory. Coming from a mono mindset to poly can be a huge mindfuck.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (42, M) since Oct 2015 (he has recently downgraded us to friends)
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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