I figured a thing or two out today
My fear right now revolves around not being of primary importance in khas' life.
Everything seems to revolve around pixie...
Our daughter had abdomen surgery last week, I stayed over with her in the hospital and was frankly exhausted when we got home. He left about an hour after we got home to visit with pixie and help her son with his new computer
For years I've been trying to get khas serious about buying a house, tonight she says she doesn't find it impressive that he would rather go out to eat then run to the store to get veggies to go with the dinner I had already prepared... within an hour of her leaving tonight he comes to me with a plan on how 'we' are going to make a home a priority.
In a way I'm grateful, countless times in the past couple months she has intervened with him in ways that she knows will improve life for both myself and our daughter.
however it leaves me feeling like after all these years my wants, needs, opinions and desires just are not a priority any more.
and thats just sad.... wec've talked and he says thats not the case its just easier to see from a different perspective.
the other night he was telling me how much he enjoys the many things he and pixie have in common, and they do, music and food and even circadia rythms...
then he tells me that if she wont do poly he wants he and i to remain best friends... maybe occasional sex partners and living in the same house as tribe members or something. ..... essentially choosing to maintain a relationship with her j*insteadj* of me if forced to choose. two hours later he changed his mind, said he could never do that to me, that he shouldnt make decisions when coming off his 48 hr shift schedule.....
ok, well it seems to me we should make that change now relatively drama free while we are strong enough to do so... but he insists he didn't mean it.... he was just talking through possibilities.
i feel like a dog shit encrusted doormat permanently attached to his foot.
the other thing i learned?
even with all this high school yo-yo bullshit i still love to see his smile a grin at his grumpiness and be baffled by his sighs and apparently that means im still not goung anywhere.
Dance in the rain...