Hmmmm... Scratch everything I posted.
"We have been together for more than 15 years. The sexual side of our relationship has never been very good because he is more interested in sex than me. I would much rather have a cup of tea and browse facebook, or catch up on my sleep than have a marathon sex session."
It sounds like you're content with the sexual relationship, and he's not. Fair enough. Lots of relationships have this challenge.
"It came to light about 10 years ago that he is interested in S&M, this compounded the problem for us as he has a definite need for something that I cannot give him. I am not really that interested in being a submissive."
"Basically he has needs that I can't fulfil and it doesn't seem fair for him to have to live his life without that kind of happiness."
We all deal with stuff that's inequitable. I applaud, however, your consideration of allowing him to experience that happiness outside of you.
"The question of another person came up."
"He would like me to help choose this person and know them as a friend. I know I have a high propensity for jealousy and have a huge problem with the idea of him with someone else. But what choice to I have realistically?"
This is the loaded part. Is he looking for a love relationship (poly) or a no strings attached sexual relationship (fuckbuddy) or a friend with benefits (something inbetween)? How do you feel about those three options? What is your jealousy triggered by? If the mere thought of him having sex with someone else is the problem, I wouldn't recommend you pursue any of the above. I wonder why he wants you to be friends with the person. That could be important if he's looking for a poly relationship or "fwb," but not so much if he just wants an occasional sex toy.
You seem to be okay with the idea of him having a strictly sexual outlet. Am I misreading that?
Last edited by Jade; 09-14-2011 at 02:13 PM.
Reason: better understanding of original poster's intent