Her not wanting you and Tom to be in love is kind of irrelevant at this point, isn't it? You're already in love. She can not want it all she likes, but it's too late. The question is, will she deal with it or not? If the answer continues to be not, you're just going to keep hurting and this won't be able to go on in anything like a healthy fashion.
Maybe you guys can set a hard deadline. Like, a month. Either she decides she's ok with the way things are, and opens up to it (which means allowing the two of you to express your feelings and act like loving individuals... with boundaries that respect their relationship if needed, certainly, but with couple time for you and he as well), or she's not and she has to realize that means letting you go.
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.