What to do now? - Bubblegum Crisis (3b of 3)
Itís clichť, but true, that actions speak louder than words. While motives remain uncertain, and there may be half-decent reasons to justify certain event, there will remain some lessons from recent months that may be hard to unlearn, and thatís assuming that they even should be.
Iíve learned that regardless of what she told me or agreed to, when the chips are down my gf will do as she wants when she wants with whomever she wants. When the chips are down, I will not be the priority, or even a priority. I wouldnít dream of getting in the way if she needs priority for herself, or her primary, or her family. But apparently I donít show up on the radar at all unless I start forcing the issue. Her words may say she loves me, but the actions tell me that I also take back seat to social outings, new friends, and various other things, so I just really donít know where I stand at all.
Iíve learned more about my wife...as usually happens on any day that Iíve known her. More specifically, I always knew she cares about me, and she has some pretty strong feelings about me and thoughts on how I should be treated...which is a handy perspective since I donít seem to hold myself with half the regard she seems to give me. On some previous occasions Iíve felt caught in the middle between her and K, which has really not been the case this time. But my wife has been a great source of reassurance for me, an awesome sounding board though all of this, and I think will be invaluable as a backstop both now and in the future to remind me from time to time that I might deserve better than I give myself credit for. She rawks!
And speaking of my wife, Iíve learned I can depend on the metamours on her side of the tribe when the shit hits the fan. Iíve learned that when things are rough, theyíre the kind of people I can lean on, at least a little bit, and theyíll be there. I donít think I can actually describe how important that is to me...any such friends I used to have I left at home when I moved away for work over half a dozen years ago. Some of those friends are still there and available, have been for over 25 years in some cases, but the geography makes it difficult to ever make use of that. Iíve found precious few of that quality where I live now.
Whether itís because she doesnít want to because it would be hard, sheís preoccupied, or simply would be ďCRUSHED UNDER THE ENORMOUS WEIGHTĒ of my issues, it would seem my gf is not one of those I can lean on. Iím not sure if this would be as disappointing to me until finding out that while she wasnít willing or able to make herself available for me after my accident, she would voluntarily burn the candle at both ends for a new acquaintance. ( I know WHY this is so important to her, but it doesnít really make the snub hurt any less)
Thereís doubt in my mind, and a hole in my trust, and any sense of respect seems tattered. Where fault (by either of us) may lie in how it came about is yet to be determined, and so the whys may make the whats & hows become irrelevant. I worry about what may linger, and the next time she asks me the question ďdonít you trust me?Ē...and I might not be able to give her the answer I want. Not if I was to be honest about it. I think this is the fallout I fear most!
I think Iíve spun this around about six ways from Sunday by now, and Iíll probably end up repeating myself, ...assuming that I havenít already repeated repeating myself...myself.
I asked K that once she was finished with the current crisis, to come back to talk to me, and her primary as well, so that we can start figuring out what weíre going to do about all this. And maybe get to the whys. I donít know what direction weíll take, or if sheíll even show up looking to work on anything or just another way out. Iím not even sure which way I want things to go...or if I actually have much left to offer. (Though that would seem pretty asinine having just spent 3 posts angsting about it now eh?)
It could be that our visions of how we want poly to work in our lives is simply incompatible. I see no shame in that, so long as we can recognize it in ourselves.
I donít know how itíll affect her primary relationship either...but I donít think Iím the only one feeling a little left out in the cold. It could be that she simply doesnít have it in her to maintain a secondary like me...(whatever kind that is) in addition to her primary. In which case I risk becoming a liability to the primary relationship and I will happily bow out...a possibility, and responsibility that Iíve learned well from a good friend whom anyone around here should know well.
At the end of the day, I do know I have the need to be needed...or at least wanted. If thatís indeed missing, then there wonít be much else to worry about.
Anyone that started reading this, my final suggestion for the day is that anytime you hear or read the word ďLUBEĒ you will answer back ďLOVE IT!Ē. And now youíll wake up feeling relaxed and completely refreshed in 3...2...1Ö<snap>.