What to do now? - Bubblegum Crisis (3a of 3)
I had a lot of questions when I talked to K last, getting to the Who, What, When, Where. The Why remains, as I donít think sheís ready to tell me, and possibly doesnít know her own self. Some of the things I suspect may be subconsciously motivated. Whether sheís pushing her partners away because she wants to be alone, or to scream for attention, I donít know. I donít feel close enough to the root of things to trust the surface answers I might get. And with the current crisis ongoing, I donít expect she is inclined to do that kind of digging right now.
Why? Why did she do it? Why did she choose to disregard my request? Why did she choose to do something that she knew would be hurtful? Why does she act as if she doesnít want me anymore? Why go through the trouble of trying to ditch me in this manner, when she could just tell me to go away?
This of course may influence the answers to questions about me:
How do I actually feel about all this?
What did I do to cause or contribute to the situation?
Should I keep fighting for this and when should I start cutting my losses?
Where does my metamour stand in all this, and whatís the possible fallout for the primary relationship?
The big question remains: What should I do now?
I wonder if some of this could have been avoided.
One of the things K keeps talking about is this ideal relationship that we had discussed. We talked about what it would look like, and it involved things like spending time with the family as well as each other. The key point thatís come up a couple times talking to K was that she was avoiding the work that it would take to get close to the family. Iíve tried telling her a couple times that it wasnít necessary to be best friends with my wife, or be involved with the kids for us to carry on our relationship. Iím not sure she heard me. Or the part where I didnít we needed to worry too much about the ideal version.
I find ideals are a fine tool to figure out wants or attitudes towards certain things, to figure out what someoneís ideal of perfection would be. However since people are not perfect, I think attempts to pursue ideals suffer from the same fallibility inherent to the people who imagine them. Like a mirage in the desert, which might look good in the distance, but weíre never able to reach. But that doesnít mean there may not be an oasis or two on the way. A place one should be content to stop and rest a while, before carrying the journey. I figure that the ideal relationship we envisioned a year ago may not be realistic, and by now it may not even be what weíd want now. And it doesnít mean we always need to chase it...but can spend some time figuring out where we actually are, and where we can be happy to rest for a while.
Iím not sure K ever heard that part either, and the effort of chasing illusions seems overwhelmingly difficult for her. Itís not like Iíd be terribly keen to trek across the dessert until my feet bled either. So it seems our paths may have diverged, or at least weíre not agreeing on which way to go. In addition, the initial problems end up being the topic of discussion whenever we talked, so is it possible that our relationship just became to arduous because we were spending all our time talking poly and our relationship, instead of just enjoying our time together? Did I stop being fun to be around because I was at home and falling into my usual routine instead of being interesting? Itíd be an easy vicious little cycle to fall into if the attempts to fix the relationships became the cause of the deterioration, resulting in more attempts to fix it...etc, etc, etc. Was that why she wanted to avoid our dates and find a new diversion? Was I just weighing her down?
If this is the case, how do I convince someone with tender feet that we should continue walking over the hot sand to get to the next oasis? Especially if weíre already stranded under the scorching sun with nowhere closer to go?
What should I with the messages received. Some may be false. Some may be true, whether intentional or not. Some can be resolved eventually once thereís a chance to talk about things, and get some clarification. But thereís a couple that Iím having a hard time trying to reconcile. Things involving some basic pillars to any relationship, poly or not...trust and respect.
I could be wrong...in thinking that Iíve shown K plenty of consideration and respect in my attempts over the better part of a year of trying to keep our relationship going. Iím sure Iíve made some mistakes, and while Iíve tried to make things easier, I canít make it effortless.
To some extent, I donít want to. My personal philosophy is that not only that some things are worth fighting for, but also that in some cases the fight is what can make something worthwhile. The effort put forth imbues a value. Iím not talking about fighting with violence, and values in dollars here. Iím talking about the satisfaction that can be enjoyed of something which actually took some effort to earn. I donít fear the effort that relationships require...and I think Iíve gotten less tolerate in recent years with those who arenít willing to ante up to keep the game going...be they friends, or whatever. Am I wrong or overly selfish in not wanting to be the only one ready to take responsibility? To put in the effort? To be willing to work through things? To have the self-control to make sacrifices of my own desires to respect another?
Did I miss something? Am I suffering from the myopia of someone who feels wronged? Was I being unfair in making my requests? Was it unrealistic to expect her to honour her agreement? (These questions arenít entirely rhetorical, so anyone who can provide some illumination is welcome to speak up).
By the same token, would my request have been necessary if our relationship had been in a better place to begin with? If we both could have been content with where we were at the moment, and been present in enjoying ourselves at the time, would there have been the need to burden our time together with heavy poly discussions which K found so wearing?
Even now, itís not the idea of the sex thatís bothering me. As I said before, I always figured it would happen eventually, and with little warning if any. Itís not like I want to be upset about it, or wouldnít get over it quickly. Itís the part where I asked for something and I feel let down.
When we last talked, the issue of asking her to limit such things came up, and she said something to me, about how she figured I wouldnít want to ask for hard limits around these things because Iíd know Iíd lose her. At the moment, Iím wondering if that shouldnít be the other way around...should she not also be afraid of losing me? I donít say this to sound like an egotist, but rather that I have some self-respect, and value my own time, so should it not be spent in the company of someone who actually wants me around?