I don't have anything more to add here...you've gotten some good advice and input. I just wanted to encourage you to hang in there, keep going to therapy, consider what NYC said about patterns and tapes.
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates