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Old 09-12-2011, 04:32 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 495

Originally Posted by polycouple View Post
I do believe what Tom and I did was wrong and I wish we never had broken boundaries. We made the decision to stop a long time ago, and to keep it in the past. I know many of you will have a huge problem with that, and I understand why. It's dishonest. I know many of you will also believe that the relationship will never be genuine because of this, that I deserve all the bad things I have coming to me, and that I am a horrible, terrible person and give poly a bad name..
I can only speak for myself, in that we all do things that come back at us in some way. We all screw up, we all make mistakes. Nobody "deserves" bad shit to happen to them, sometimes it just does. But when we cause a situation by dishonesty and then it's not a positive situation--because it was dishonest-- that's not deserving something. That's consequences of actions. Maybe it's the mom in me, teaching my kids that when you do certain things you have to understand the consequences will come and they may not be nice. Doesn't mean they're bad people, just people that made a bad choice.

Still, it's not so much the mistakes we make, but how we act in the face of those mistakes. "Putting it in the past" was easier for the two of you, so that's what you did. And I do understand wanting to do that-- I truly do. I just think too often people do the easy thing instead of the right thing.

And I will say I am SUPER sensitive to this type of issue because I have been Sarah. So it is very personal to me, and I am sure that I sound (and am) very harsh about it. To me, honesty and trust is the basis of any friendship or relationship and without that, everything else is worthless and fake.

Originally Posted by polycouple View Post
I also think part of my loneliness is due to suffering from my breakup with my fiance, who I was with for 9 years. We were poly, and broke up about three months into my relationship with Tom and Sarah.
It sounds like you have had a lot of loss lately. Maybe it's time to sit and figure out what that loss meant to you, and what you can do for yourself to get a bit more comfortable with some alone time to heal. Perhaps you clung onto them when you lost your fiance, and in all honesty you haven't really dealt with that loss at all yet, so the "loss" of so much time with them that was helping you NOT feel loss seems so much worse.

I've had to do a lot of looking at myself lately in the same arena-- in dealing with feelings that I've been burying or ignoring for a long time, in learning how to spend time alone again, and in finding a complete life by myself that I share with somebody instead of trying to make someone else my whole life. And I'm an introvert, too-- I get EXHAUSTED being social. And none of this is easy. Just something to think about, but maybe having a bit more time away from them will end up being a good thing that allows you to get more in tune with what you need from yourself-- and helps you bring a better you to the relationship.
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