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Old 09-12-2011, 04:10 PM
polycouple polycouple is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: CT/RI area
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I just read the OP's other thread. I think the other posters are being a little harsh, polycouple. That's what we do here, tough love, and certainly it's better to be honest if a boundary was broken, but knowing the history of the situation doesn't change my take on it significantly (I assume you were sincere about your remorse and it didn't happen again, at least?).

If anything, my biggest new piece of advice based on reading your other thread is that I think y'all moved too fast. It's *hard* integrating a new person into an existing relationship, there are sooooo many dynamics to work out, and to so quickly start spending 5-6 nights a week with one of the members of the couple you're involved with... well, I can see how whiplash happened for the other member, and how things just didn't go smoothly, especially since it sounded like you guys prioritized sex over the hard work of talking out your feelings/fears/desires and figuring out a setup that would actually work for all involved.

Slowing down and more long, deep talks should have happened earlier. Hopefully it's not too late for them to happen now. Be brave. Equality is a great goal but it takes significant time. Are you interested in or "allowed" to date outside them?
Yea, I think people are being a little harsh too, but there is a lot of truth to some of it.

I think I am not suffering anymore than Sarah was when she had to go to work and experienced Tom and I together so much.

I do believe what Tom and I did was wrong and I wish we never had broken boundaries. We made the decision to stop a long time ago, and to keep it in the past. I know many of you will have a huge problem with that, and I understand why. It's dishonest. I know many of you will also believe that the relationship will never be genuine because of this, that I deserve all the bad things I have coming to me, and that I am a horrible, terrible person and give poly a bad name.

I've wondered if I am codependent, maybe I am. I also thought my feeling s are kind of natural since I went from seeing them every day, to seeing them a few times a week for much shorter spans of time. Isn't it natural to miss the peolpe you love when you don;t see them as much?

I also think part of my loneliness is due to suffering from my breakup with my fiance, who I was with for 9 years. We were poly, and broke up about three months into my relationship with Tom and Sarah.

I def think I need to date and continue to see friends outside of my relationship which is advice I headed from the last thread I posted. I am an introverted person so meeting and trying to build friendship is not always energizing, in fact sometimes its flat out exhausting. I am someone who really appreciates having a few very intimate and close friends and companions. Does that make me codependent?

I just miss Tom and Sarah so much....I guess no one really understands what a big difference 15 minutes makes when they were once 50 feet away. They have asked me to move in with them as a solution to all this. I don't think that is a good option considering what I have heard others on here have been through. Plus, I said I would need the boundaries to be different before moving in together. Plus, they have a cat and I am allergic, and I really appreciate my own space at the end of the day. We sometimes fantasize about building an in law apartment...some day if the relationship continues that might be a good option. Of course, I have no idea where the job market will take me when I get my masters.

Anywho, I really appreciate everyone reading my long winded posts, even those that give me "tough love," and even those that flat out criticize me. The guidance and support is most helpful to me, so thank you most of all to those who remain compassionate despite the things I am not proud of.
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