Originally Posted by kateslove
Another concern I have is the fact that my husband did not marry a polyamorous woman, he married a monogamous woman who changed her mind. This was not the hand he was dealt. Is it unfair of me to expect him to explore this with me? He has had a very difficult time with a lot of it, but has been willing to learn. He in fact is the one who found this forum and has encouraged participation in conversations here. This question is a continual concern for me. His happiness is very important to me, but I believe my own happiness is equally important.
You sound much like the female version of me!
One thing you might ask yourself is this: did you really change your mind, or did you finally figure out who and what you are, and it suddenly explained the feelings you've had all along?
As for fairness, well, you didn't know this about yourself going into the marriage, so there is no issue of defrauding or deceiving your husband. I'll bet that, like me, you honestly believed, when you said "I do," that you could handle the "forsaking all others ... as long as you both shall live" part of the vow without even really having to try hard. After all, don't most young people get married while they are still in the middle of NRE?
You might be faulted (ever so slightly) for making plans with the other gentleman without first telling your husband, but you DID
cool it with the guy to work things out in your marriage first, rather than present it to your husband as a fait accompli
. You screwed up a little bit, but none of us are perfect, and the fact that you are looking inward to question yourself, out of respect for your husband, speaks well of you, so ease up on yourself.