Personal, non-poly related advice.
Well, the inevitable has happened: I'm finally growing up. And part of that means dealing with past trauma, residual pain and lingering family dysfunction. I am a mom and somehow, this makes my "recovery" more important than I think it would be if it were just me on my own. I don't like to think of where I would be without the responsibility and love that comes with being a mom.
Please bear with me.
The biggest issue I have...the one that all others spring forth from and then orbit around incessantly: sex
1) I was molested by different people throughout my early childhood. I was highly sexualized and my earliest experience of masturbation are at the age of 4.
2) Sex is adulthood has been...dangerous, emotionally and physically harmful and an addiction in the truest sense of the world. I have lost myself completely. I have no idea "who" I am. I have no idea how to interact with men in a non-sexual way. I am at a loss in relationships and completely insecure and anxious outside of the bedroom. I can't imagine what I have to offer besides my body and no idea what anyone would want to do with me besides fuck me. I have slept with anywhere from 35-45 men. It is hard to say for sure....There are a lot of question marks and nameless faces on the list.
Question: besides therapy, where can I go? What can I do? Has anyone here recovered from childhood molestation and ongoing sexual dysfunction and moved on to have any success in relationships or even in life? I cannot afford therapy right now....but I hunger for emotional health.
Also...I have no relationship with my estranged father. He is unaware of the baggage I have and the resentment I carry towards him. I feel like a lot of my behavior stems from our disconnect and have written him several letters that I was too afraid to send. Does anyone have any experience with opening lines of communication with a parent after such problems? Any advice?
Please...I need some insight or support or advice. Struggling and drowning here.