Originally Posted by precious
I just want to be able to feel comfortable in their home as they both have said it is my home as well.
This is a very serious statement for so early in a relationship. Putting the cleanliness issue aside for a moment, I think it would definitely be wise to sit down for the type of conversation with them that Rose suggested above. You need to be sure that you're all on the same page and that you know what they're really thinking about the future and vice versa.
Like, in time, do they see you as potentially being a second, equal wife? Or are you firmly the secondary, with a lesser level of involvement in their lives with no expectation that that might change? Both are ok, but they may change the way you choose to commit your heart and life. For instance, if it's the former it might be ok for you to be exclusive with them. But if the latter, for your own happiness and emotional welfare, you may want to stay open to cultivating other relationships as well. Just something to think about.
For now, even if equal status is the goal, I would strongly caution you against moving in with them any time soon, even if they do clean up their house... just in case you're considering it. We've seen many stories on this board about people moving in too soon with established couples and having it turn into a huge mess. It's a very difficult dynamic to manage and you need to have as many issues as possible completely ironed out before it has a chance of going well.
As for the cleanliness thing, yeah, be careful not to criticize her to him. I will cautiously point out things that I think are issues, and I will sympathize if one member of the couple I'm involved with is complaining about the other, but I try NEVER to directly criticize one to the other... nothing breeds distrust and resentment faster if your words should come to light. If you have a problem with her actions, you need to talk to her, not him.
Maybe you can position it as a fun project that the two of you will do together for the man you both love... you can put some of it on yourself by saying "I'm just a little OCD" or something like that. Then tell her that while you're not going to do it all yourself, you'd be more than happy to help her get things cleaned up, and you can then admit that, frankly, it would probably make you a little more comfortable in their home too.