Originally Posted by precious
Thank you so much for the advice and it is well taken..
She and I talk almost everyday about every and anything and I also talk to him. I just explained to him that with him being the provider that he is he shouldnt have to live in a messy home.
I will just see what happens in the next couple of times I visit and see if there is a change and if not I will address it then. I guess the problem is that she wasnt embarressed about the way the home looked.
I didnt say this to either of them but it looks like a baby hoarders home, and it shouldnt because she doesnt work.
Okay, just as a warning... people have different ideas about what is okay and what isn't. There is no cross-the-board standard on what is acceptable and what isn't. You are judging her on your own standard at the moment. It's the only one you have to judge someone by so that makes since... it's just that people tend not to respond well when you approach issues they have as they are "wrong" and you are "right". If you do end up talking to her about it I would suggest you reach out to her as a favor for yourself. Asking for her to help you feel comfortable in her home.
In what you've said so far it sounds a little like (and I might be projecting here) you are saying she isn't a good enough wife to him. That a good enough wife would keep there home clean and not ask him to help out if she doesn't have a job. That sounds like a standard you honestly believe... BUT people have different standards.
And one of the things that divides poly relationships faster then you can think is starting to list all the ways your partner's other partner isn't good enough for them or how much better you would be for them.
Try not to think that pointing out her flaws is a part of taking care of him. If you want to be with them you should be watching to see if you are resenting her or building a case against her. He has chosen her as his partner and as a secondary she is inviting you into her home, her relationship and her heart. It's really good to keep that and mind and watch your motivations.