Originally Posted by precious
I guess my question is how much can I say as a secondary? What are the bounderies to how much the secondary can say?
The people you should be asking is them.
Have a nice long conversation about what a secondary looks like to them. What there goals are. What they would like, what they want, what they need from you. And be clear about what you would like, want and need as well.
My *guess* is that calling his wife lazy and a bad house keeper is going to hurt her feelings. But for now you should figure out what kind of relationship you have with him and with her. Some people in my life I can comment on there homes (either jokingly or with concern) but I am very close to those people and feel like I know how to approach a subject and I'm able to read if that subject is sensitive to them or not.
So the real answer is ever relationship is different.
You both need to talk with them a lot to figure out what level of outside induced self-relefction they are comfortable with and to get a feeling for how they like to be communicated with about difficult to hear thing (not to mention trying to figure out if what you have to say is difficult to hear in the first place. It might not be a big deal AT ALL)
My suggestion would be to put off talking about how *you* would like *them* to change until you know them a bit better and have a feeling for how information like that would be received. Until then you can always do the poly fall back and attempt to change yourself. See how it feels to be okay with the mess. Try to find the beauty and honesty in it.