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Old 09-11-2011, 10:15 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

The idea that reconciling poly vs. mono by thinking of them as two cultures needing understanding and curiosity about each other is a good one... to a point. I think it's pretty easy for someone who identifies as poly to think of it this way. The reality, however, is that if and when the poly person does find another potential partner, the mono person is generally going to feel threatened by the idea of "sharing" them. All intellectual understanding flies out the window when you're brokenhearted about your love having sex with someone else or falling in love with another. A monogamous person wants to be the only one in someone's heart and bed, plain and simple. It is contrary to everything monogamy has taught us to truly believe that if a loved one is involved with someone else, they won't leave us for them.

Somegeezer, I think there are two issues you are dealing with right now. One is that Cherry is at odds with a very important part of YOU and how you see yourself, and you wish she was more accepting or at least would try to understand. The other issue is sort of speculatory -- I think you are worried about what could happen if, down the road, you want another additional relationship. That is kind of hanging over your head, and the uncertainty is probably uncomfortable, while her judgment about poly likely feels constricting for you. You don't have that sense of freedom right now, knowing how she objects to non-monogamy. I think you are feeling that you can't really relax in your relationship with Cherry if (a.) you can't be fully yourself; and (b.) you will be prevented from pursuing what you want, if someone else comes your way.

I think it will take some bargaining. I think it will take unflinching honesty. Perhaps she hasn't really wanted to look at the reality of what your being poly actually means, nor try to understand it because she's afraid of being abandoned by you for someone else. I don't think you should harp on her about it, but if it's a sticking point that will not let you relax, a good, deep conversation may be in order. She needs your reassurance that your feelings for her are steadfast even if you do eventually meet someone else. But she also needs to come to some point of acceptance and be willing to at least try to understand how important this is to you.

Only you know if this relationship is worth the investment it will take, or if it will withstand some turmoil to reach a place of calm and centeredness. I know you know that if you do meet someone else you want to be in relationship with, you will need to make extra effort to reassure Cherry that she is loved and has no need to feel threatened.

But there may be a point where, if she doesn't budge, and it's all exhausting work on your part, the scales could tip in the direction of making your relationship more work than fun, more angst than loving, good feelings. Then you may have to say goodbye. It's up to you to figure out if you're willing to put in all that work and energy. Personally, I think love is worth it. Hopefully Cherry will be willing to come up against her boundaries and belief systems and examine them with a more open mind.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 09-12-2011 at 03:37 AM.
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