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Old 09-11-2011, 07:54 PM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Manchester, England & Tain, Scotland
Posts: 85

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
How is it possible that your role as biological father was so ignored that you lost even partial custody?
The Dad has no rights in England or Scotland (different legal systems, but similar in this respect) unless either the parents were married or the Mum voluntarily puts the Dad on the birth certificate.

(Talk about dumb legislators: before that that law was passed, most Mums would put the Dad on the certificate, which was nice for the child. Now any Mum planning to be awkward simply refuses to say who the Dad is when they fill out the birth certificate)

The Dad would usually get some contact, if paternity can be proven, or is admitted, but even then not shared residence. (custody is called residence over here).

In my case, ex admitted to the courts that I was the Dad (one thing I do have to remember to be grateful for, she could have made that one difficult too), but did not put me on the birth certificate.

However if the Mum really kicks up a fuss for years on end, eventually the system gives in and lets her have her way.

In between seven and eight hours time as I write this, it will be exactly two years since I last saw my daughter. We said goodbye, see you in three weeks (five hours every three weeks was the contact I got), then even that failed.

I can't answer your other questions: I am posting here under a recognisable name, and I have not yet given up on the Courts. One thing that really annoys them is discussing the cases in public....

... how could you prevent that in future?
only by picking someone I'd trust and getting that decision right next time around...and my track record there sucks. I want too much to believe it is going to work this time

And that is part of the pull towards polys: the habit of honesty in other parts of their lives has got to be an advantage.

Keeping in mind that you are 56 and with a cultural life expectancy of 70ish, if you met a woman tomorrow and she got pregnant on your first date, you'd be ailing or dead by the time the kid was in her mid teens...
Yes, big problem. That was why in the early 2000's I decided to stick with the relationship with my ex, and my uncle/father role with the step d, rather than continue looking for what I really wanted.

It was the thing we discussed most when ex became broody: was it fair to the child to have a father so old? My Dad died when I was 14, so this is quite personal for me.

But having given up on the dream once, and had a surprise reprise of the dream, and then having had it snatched away again, I am finding it much harder to give it up this time round.

And at the same time I describe it as a 'hope' not an 'expect'.

But it is not quite as bad as you suggest, working from the cultural expectation of 70. In fact, the older you get, the later you expect to die, because you proved you didn't get one of the early deaths. When I last did the quiz, it predicted that someone of my gender, age, health, and excercise diet, drink, smoking (never) habits would on average make it to 81. If I want to see my child to age 18, that gives me 7 years till s/he needs to be born. But still the sooner the better, because an average is only an average, I could last longer, but equally could go sooner...

Ach. It's hard enough being up several times a night when one is in their 20s and 30s, healthy, vital and strong. Personally I work as a nanny, and am usually exhausted after 4 or 5 hours caring for the infant twin boys, and their 5 year old sister. Never mind being up several times a night for feeding and soothing... Hence my "awe."
I am up several times a night anyway. I usually spend 8-9 hours in bed, but only sleep for about three bursts of two hours each. This has crept up on my nighttimes in the last few years. But suddenly, I understand what Marge Piercy was getting at about the sleep patterns...

Twin infants, maybe a challenge too far....

And yes, I say I'd do it all, but I have always always said that 50-50 is better, and a multi-way split even better still. Several parents, either a group of monos or a polytangle, has always seemed the ideal way to me... even tho I accepted a different arrangement with my recent ex.

There are two Rivers here now: which one is this?

quaker poly experiences and poly: a quaker perspective

I hope other British Quakers who are poly (or wonder if they are) will contact me here, thanks, Friends.

Last edited by trueRiver; 09-11-2011 at 08:07 PM.
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