Somegeezer- I like to think of mono/poly as "cultural" differences...you are from Britain and she is from Brazil for an example. You live in Brazil with her and have to figure out how to be in this "culture" that isn't your own. Does that make sense?
It has helped me let go of "fixing" my relationship with Mono and just living it as best we can from our own points of view. I spend more time being curious about his "culture" that way, rather than getting frustrated that he doesn't get it. I think this is useful in all relationships with anyone really. It takes away our natural desire to expect and assume I think.
There is no real answer to your questions,,, no real fit. Its all personal and all a mystery from day one. I think I can relate to how you feel and the frustration it brings... its just a matter of checking in with your self about whether what you have is rooted in love for one another or rooted in MAKING it work. If the answer is the latter, keep at is and see what happens in time.
For the record; I have come to see couples where one opens up to poly and the other doesn't as that person deciding to take on another religion after being in another religion their whole lives. Say you are Christian, born and raised in the bible belt, married a Christian person and raised your kids that way... then discover Buddhism. BAM! Everything changes.... you know the story. We hear it here all the time. Imagine what that would feel like! There is common ground, but wading through the politics of both religions to get to that is hard work and along with that is a great deal of feelings of betrayal for the one who is still Christian.
What you are in SG is like this.... finding common ground and holding on to it for dear life (because you love each other so much) is all there is as far as I can see.
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