YOU ARE ALL AWESOME!!!!
Thank you for your support and kindness. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Somegeezer, it helps to get the insight from a guy, too, BTW.
I cried like a baby all night. I NEVER cry! It was horrifying to cry those wracking sobs -- I locked myself in the bathroom with the fan and the water running so the kids wouldn't hear -- and at the same time it was such an awesome relief. Felt like finally throwing up after having a queasy tummy for.... well, a long time.
Sundance came home and saw me crying. He was very matter-of-fact, actually, which unsettled me a bit but I wasn't crying to get a reaction from him, anyway; I was crying to get my emotion out. We did talk quite a bit. He clearly does not want a separation of any sort. He wants only two options: I quit with Butch, then he quits with her, or we keep going on as we are. He insists that I am over-reacting, that I am making more of his relationship with her than it is.
I didn't sleep all night (actually the 3rd night in a row for this
) and at about 4 am I snuggled up to him and we actually made love and it was very good!
So much for my plan! It's ok, I'm coming up with another idea, haha.
I hope he doesn't come on here, but I am thinking about calling her. Asking to see if SHE would like to talk. I don't want to tell him ahead of time, of course he'd explicitly "forbid" it. But like some of you wise and wonderful people have said -- we are all adults here, right? I think it's time the "sisters" make contact. I feel bad for her and maybe it would help her to talk with me, too. I'd like to even arrange a meeting but I'll have to see what her initial reaction is. (We live 2 hours apart, and each have 4 kids at home, so it would have to take some planning). I'm thinking of saying: "Hi ____, it's ______. I wondered if you'd like to talk sometime?" Then see what she says. Might even have to say, "I come in peace!" I don't know, she is probably going to be a little intimidated, or maybe scared, but overall we've both got to be pretty curious!
I'll sit on this til Monday, anyway. I don't want her tipping him off before she at least considers speaking to me, because I'm sure he'd dissuade HER from talking to ME, too.
Maybe I CAN share, if she doesn't remain a complete stranger. We don't have to be friends but I think it's time for some acknowledgement, at the very least.
I must add though that I'm scared she'll ask some questions that I don't feel comfortable answering. I guess some things really are Sundance's to answer. I mean, some things can remain private within our marriage. I want to be very careful and respectful of that. It may be tricky. I also want to resist asking her anything that will put her on the spot too. That would be cruel. I'm hoping to just keep it kind of light. Maybe even giggle a bit, I don't know. I've been idealistic before, I really want to be smart about this. And of course, keep in mind that I WILL have consequences to face with my husband, who will initially be very, very angry that I overstepped his bounds.
Kea, Mag, NY (and anyone I forgot, in the thread) -- thanks for sharing your own experience in dealing with the anger. It's so scary. Beaten puppy -- that is so often my reaction, and Sundance has mentioned it too. Funny isn't it, how that makes them even angrier with you sometimes?! How ironic. He has accused me of using that as an act, to make him feel guilty or to keep him for expressing himself. Without ever stopping to think, "Maybe I need to be more gentle in my communication with this wounded person who I love?" It does make me examine my own self, though. Unfortunately, I can get very caught up in asking myself, "AM I overreacting??? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill, or a molehill out of a mountain???" It sure helps to have people who understand this particular situation.
Well, that's where I'm at, this morning. (Always subject to change, at the drop of the hat! EXHAUSTING!)
I adore you all, for being here for me. I am trying to be as honest with myself as I possibly can, and it helps to come here and do the hard work, and to feel safe to do so. THANK YOU, from the bottom of my twisted little messed up heart!