I felt a little uncomfortable when saying what I really felt in my above response to this thread. I felt "old fashioned" and prudish a little bit--or that I may be taken that way. The truth is, these questions are tricky, and maybe no one has the right answer. But the perspective I offered, I think, deserves consideration for any merit it may have.
I've had beautiful and nurturing/nourishing brief sexual encounters on a few occasions--brief as a night. I was disappointed each time when it turned out that my partner of the moment wasn't interested even so much as talking with me in the morning or sharing coffee.... Once time I was with this delightful man with whom I had a profound energetic/psychic sort of connection verging into mystical stuff. We both felt our heart chakras open to one another, and even talked about it, comparing notes. We both felt the same thing! The next morning he was gone, though we slept arm in arm. He hadn't left the scene--a large, mostly outdoors, social gathering of queer men lasting days--, but he wouldn't come near me. I moved through it gracefully, but the truth is it did hurt ..., and this sort of thing has happened to me a number of times; much more than I would have liked.
A lot of gay/queer men (but it is true of many heteros, too) don't heartfully honor the power of sex -- which is a power of union and bonding, of tenderness and love and spiritual openning. There appear to me to be many risks in failing to acknowldge this power in sex, and one of them is that we can severely hinder or restrict that magic by mistreating it. We mistreat that magic when we fail to look very closely at what sex really is. We fail to look, often, because we think we know what it is. That is, we fail to recognize the mystery dimention in sexuality. A mystery is something we cannot fully understand in concepts: it's bigger than all of our conceptual categories. Sex is a mystery if ever there was one, and therefore needs to be treated as sacred.
That is, all sex is sacred sex, whether the pratitioners realize this at the moment or not.
I'm talking this way now because these points were driven home strongly for me recently (beginning a year ago). I fell in love with one of my best friends, who subsequently abandoned our friendship. We had been sharing a lot of kisses. He's an eleven on a chart of 1-10 as a kisser! We had a little sex. We held hands, talked intimately, literally slept together, etc. It was great! But, for him, this wasn't all half as much a bonding experience as it was for me. Then his boyfriend found out about what had been going on between "R" and myself. My boyfriend was fine with it, but R's boyfriend was very, very upset. (I figured those two were breaking up, or I wouldn't have gotten involved without his boyfriend's knowledge, but I don't want to go into all that in detail in this already long post.)
Anyway, losing both R's intimate friendship and our loverly friendship all at once was devastating for me, emotionally. (I'd have been okay to lose the sexy intimacy if the friendship had continued.) It was also a great emotional and spiritual challenge for me. And out of that challenge I have learnd a lot--, largely because it catalyzed a deep inquiry into freindship, love, sex, bonding, relationships... and all that sort of thing.
Among the things I have realized is that good kisses (and other sexual contact) are pure emotion. People thinking otherwise just don't know how to examine the question! You cannot get naked with someone and rub body parts and not be intimate in a profound way!, and that's an emotional intimacy--whether we realize that and recognize it or not. The amazing thing is that so many don't realize it! --in fact, very many seem to have their hearts severed from their genitals (and other errogenous zones), so to speak. Well, nothing can sever a person in such a hideous way unless it is traumatic. So, hidden away in a LOT of "casual sex" is an emotional/spiritual trauma -- and an emotional/spiritual opportunity. Sacred.
All relationship is sacred. Holy.
Failure to honor and recognize the mystery of this is a sort of abuse and misuse which may lead to further trauma and more wounding of the soul.
Last edited by River; 05-14-2009 at 02:00 PM.