Carma, as Cindie said, please dont worry youre torturing us! I was thinking about you a lot ever since you lost your last post.
It's so odd how some "poly" people are still so in the mono mindset they feel they have to sneak around even when their spouse is on board with their relationship. Old habits die hard, I guess.
(I can also related to the temper thing. My ex used to raise his voice in our discussions/fights... ach, I hated it. It felt like he was yelling. I'd say, please don't yell at me. He'd say, "I'm not yelling!" In a loud voice. "I'm just speaking emphatically. Don't tell me how to express my strong feelings!"
But I just couldn't take it. Reason number 1032 we broke up. Despite years of therapy.
I don't want to offer you any advice. Just support and a listening ear.