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Old 09-09-2011, 11:25 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,564

Originally Posted by Carma View Post
I told him I am just not comfortable with him being so intimate with someone who is a complete stranger to me. I guarantee you, HE would have NEVER agreed to it if MY guy were an unknown!!!

Well he hated the idea of a separation, got enraged, said he'll end it with her if I end mine. Said if I don't end it I can pack my bags and we're getting a divorce.
But you didn't ask him to end it -- you asked him to stop lying! Big difference.

Oh, Carma. Don't worry about venting here, you're not torturing us. You are torturing yourself. The first thing I would do when he comes home is ask him why he is so resistant to the idea of the girlfriend knowing the truth, and being in touch with you. Why? What is going on in his head? Why can't he be honest all around? Have you pointed to him that he wouldn't have agreed to your being with Butch if he was a stranger?

You know, my husband had a temper. And I would often have to start a conversation with, "I need to talk to you and I want you to listen without blowing up. Please let me say what I have to say and let's talk without raising our voices, I need you to promise me that because I want us to have a discussion and really hear each other." And if he got pissed while talking, I would stop him and say, "I understand you're angry, but you're raising your voice again." And he would keep it in check. He was always good about that, but I think my being calm and asking for that helped.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 09-09-2011 at 11:30 PM.
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