Ha ha thanks guys. It does feel hopeless sometimes though!
When we started our V, I did feel good about it and yes, Sundance had some jealousy issues but overall we were really working them through.
When he started up with his girl I had expectations, I guess, that never came to be. Mostly the HONESTY, I seriously thought it would be a part of it. Did NOT see this coming. So I've really been thrown for a loop. Dishonesty is so scary, I was tortured by it with my ex, so I guess this feels horrible all over again -- not to mention the jealousy that I'd be dealing with, even under the best of circumstances.
I do not want to put him through The Inquisition or be some sort of spy but I can't help but constantly be suspicious of everything he says now. This is not healthy for me. I am a basket case.
I told him last night that I want to be separated until we can resolve our outside relationships. We will have to live in the same house for many practical reasons. But no more intimacy. And what he does with her and what I do with Butch, will be our own business, for the most part. I have to detach, for my sanity.
Yesterday (Thursday) was my birthday and it sucked.
He'd been with her the night before my b-day (Wednesday night, and he stayed overnight because he had an early meeting. Supposedly at a hotel, but my mind went crazy. Did she stay with him? Did he stay at her house? How would I know? And I'm too embarrassed by my paranoia to ask him! Or worse, to have to ask for proof! I want my dignity back!). When he left I tried to kiss him good-bye and he would hardly even look at me. He pushed me away from his neck, he was afraid I would leave a mark and she would see it. I was NOT trying to sabotage his time with her (even subconsciously, I really don't think I was!) My true motive was just to connect with him before he left, as the next day would be my birthday and I wouldn't be seeing him til late in the day.
Anyway, his discomfort was awful, I've never seen him like that. I can't help but think he was feeling guilty for kissing me before he went to be with her. Like he felt he was "cheating' on her! Which, well, he kind of IS.
Cheating on your girlfriend with your wife.
How ridiculous is that?
Too many details to go into here, I feel like I'm torturing my forum friends. I want to stop being so overly sensitive about the details. I don't think I can do that without stepping away from our intimate life for a little while. Until he can be honest with her, and me, I can't take this.
I told him I am just not comfortable with him being so intimate with someone who is a complete stranger to me. I guarantee you, HE would have NEVER agreed to it if MY guy were an unknown!!!
Well he hated the idea of a separation, got enraged, said he'll end it with her if I end mine. Said if I don't end it I can pack my bags and we're getting a divorce. Said I set him up, that this whole thing was just a trap to make him out to be the bad guy.
Well, he'll be home from work soon so I guess we'll see how it goes. I suspect that no matter what he tells me, she will be lurking in the background, sending him texts all night, all weekend, and he'll be slipping off every chance he gets to read them and text her back. But if we agree to live as friends for awhile, I can respect that. He needs to figure out what he really wants with this girl. If he wants me involved, he is going to have to be open with both of us.
As far as Butch goes, I have made my intentions very clear. We both have. I am his transition girl. He will move on and when he does, it's over for us. It's funny -- I knew I'd never share my boyfriend. But I thought I could share my husband! Maybe I could have, if I could have at least met his girlfriend and she knew the truth about us, about me, about him. But it turned into a botched attempt at a V, for us, really. I'm sorry for Sundance, because I still believe it could have gone much differently. Maybe if we take a break, regroup, we can try again. Who knows.
Married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy