Originally Posted by nycindie
Five months ago, a serious relationship ended for her. Two months ago, she started seeing you two, and probably around the same time, three other couples casually. What makes you say that is promiscuous? Even if she's having sex with everyone in all four couples (she might not be), that doesn't make it a bad thing. She's poly. Besides, two months into any relationship is rather soon to ask for exclusivity.
Were you having sex with her yet? If so, were you using protection? If yes, what makes you think she wasn't using protection with everyone else? You say she was "uncomfortable" talking about STDs. Does that mean she refused to talk about it or just didn't like talking about it? I don't know anyone who really enjoys the topic. Even though it's necessary, I'm sure we all wish we didn't have to bring it up.
My initial reaction to your first post is that you've jumped to some conclusions that may not be true, and you're maybe being a bit judgmental about her choice to keep things a little casual for a while until she's healed from the end of that relationship. We all know that it can be tough when you're on the rebound. Plus, maybe she's just exercising caution about joining a couple and wants to make sure she's found the right couple for her, as we've all heard the stories about how problematic triads can be for someone in that position. It sounds like she knows what she wants. I don't see anything wrong with what she's doing, unless she's being very unsafe sexually.
I say promiscuous, because she did mention that she doesn't always practice safe sex with one of the couples she is seeing. She has been seeing them since pretty much right after the breakup, because he has a vasectomy. The whole thing came up after we brought up the idea of maybe taking it to the next level and having sex.. because we hadn't. I figured 2 months was a good enough time since we all seemed comfortable. She asked if J had a vasectomy or if he was OK going bareback at times, because she liked that better. Said shes on BC, so it shouldn't be a big deal.
That's when we interjected and were like, huh, other couples? Cool, how many? 3? and you're having unprocted sex? So, are you OK with STD testing, because we are clean and don't want to take any risks. She said that she felt she wasn't being risky since the other couple told her they were clean.. I asked if she ever saw any results, she said no but trusts them. I said, well OK, but would you be comfortable with us all getting tested before hand, that way we can show you ours, you can show us yours.
She then kept saying how she felt we weren't trusting her...
I know it's not a pleasant topic for anyone, but it's a necessary one for sure..
It's fine that she wants to remain casual, but we just weren't looking for someone who was that casual to NOT use protection or someone who felt we werent trusting her when it comes to our health.
I know there are different ways of living poly, but to us.. we just don't feel casual sex with no attachments is the way for us. I'm just saying it's hard to someone that embraces that same opinion. if we're going to involve sex, it's going to be because we want something more.. all of us..and have the intention to invest the time in a relationship. We've got no problem with someone who is married or has a SO.. or even more than one.. But we want to know that everyone is safe and healthy.
I;ve heard the horror stories from someone in her position.. And that's why she's said that one of the other reasons she wants to keep things casual and fun, is that she doesn't want to come between a couple.. and that if it's kept casual and fun, with no serious feelings, than no one can get hurt and it can just be over at anytime anyone wants. Basically she said she has no intention of developing any serious realtionship with a couple, because she wants to be a primary. When we told her we wanted an equal relationship, where we are all primaries to one another, she said that's not what she wants, so for now she's just experimenting on what it's like to be with a couple so in the future when she's ready for something more, she can find a man to be with and then add someone else.
She also wasn't comfortable with being with us separately.. like if I was out of town for a few days, or vice versa. She only wanted to see us together if it involved sex. We were kind of hoping to have separate dates here and there, if one of us had something to do that night.
Pretty much, we didn't want to be the "thing in the meantime" you know?