Are our expectations too high?
Sorry if this is a bit long..
Almost 2 months ago we met someone who we thought would be a good match for us. It seemed we had similar goals, we had a couple of dates and thought things were going well. Between our dates, we talked and texted each other a lot.
None of us had ever been in a poly relationship before of any kind, but we felt certain on knowing what we wanted and thought she felt the same. We invited her over for dinner and a movie last week, and thought maybe it was time to take things to the next level, seemed we were all feeling it at the time.
At dinner, we start talking about spending more time together. Our work schedules are a bit different and she doesn't have a car, so being that she lives about 30 mins away, we wanted to figure out something that would enable us to be together more.
She then says she's got 3 other couples that she's seeing casually and wants to see us casually as well.. tells us that she just got out of a relationship 5 months ago and just wants casual fun so she doesn't think that more than once a week or once every couple of weeks is going to work for her. Said she really likes us and that's why she couldn't tell us what her true intentions were at first because she knew we wanted more.
Needless to say, we were kind of turned off by her being with so many people and being so casual about it. To her, I think she thinks polyamory means promiscuity and no emotional or deeper connection. On top of it, she felt uncomfortable with the discussion of STD testing. Big red flags all of the way around...
We took her home and said we still wanted to be friends and grab dinner or mini golf here and there and left it at that. She hasn't contacted us since.
We're beginning to wonder.. Are we setting our expectations too high? We're open to someone with a SO already or someone who is in a relationship with another couple, but we're not open to something casual or something with so many people involved that it makes it hard to spend time together more than once a week. Ideally we want a closed triad. After going on 4 to 5 years in looking for "the one" it's getting really frustrating.
We're not extremely social, so I think that makes it hard too. Like, what would we do? Go to a bar and try to meet someone? I don't even know how you would approach a woman in that situation that you were interested in. That also just seems kind of sleazy to us.. We've tried online, but keep meeting people way too far away or those that are close are turn out to be psychotic or looking for casual sex. We've talked about trying to go to one of the Polyamory group meetings in L.A., but he doesn't really seem interested in that at all.
Are we just going about this entirely the wrong way? Are we being too impatient? I'm sure some of you have been in our place before and understand where we are coming from. Thanks for any advice and input
Bi-sexual poly female dating J (straight, poly male)