View Single Post
  #8  
Old 09-09-2011, 04:48 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,286
Default

"As I've already stated I view such a 3 person relationship as a singular relationship"

I love everything you're envisioning... triad, equality, love, poly-fidelity, fluid-bonding... I'm not against any of that, truly. But for the purpose of actually finding happiness, I think it's crucial to have a reality-based vision of how these things usually go and what you can expect. In that light, I think it's your statement that I quoted above that needs the most re-thinking.

I'm part of a relationship that's a vee emotionally and a triad sexually and friendship-wise, I've had close friends do a triad for a time, and I've read a *lot* of personal accounts here and elsewhere. So, I'm no voice-of-god on this, but I do speak from experience rather than theory. And the thing is, a three person relationship... whether it's a vee, open triad, closed triad, whatever... is NOT one relationship and can never BE one relationship.

It's four relationships. The relationship between 1) A & B, 2) B & C, 3) C and A, and 4) A, B and C together. Each relationship must be allowed to develop naturally, at its own pace. If you expect that they should or must develop at the same rate and in the same way (and I don't mean what interests you share, I'll explain what I mean below), whether everyone somehow met at the same exact moment or not, you're setting yourself up for disaster.

Nothing thrives when it's forced. It has to happen naturally. It's not that there's anything wrong with having an ideal vision of what you'd like to see happen. My worry, and what we've all seen happen too many times, is that you get so enamored with your vision that when your reality starts to naturally develop into a different shape, you try to force it to rearrange itself, or you reject it entirely. Which is such a shame.

Like, let's say you meet two lovely women both in the same night and you three decide to go for a triad. The extreme likelihood is that one set of partners, whether they intend to or not, will find themselves on a somewhat different trajectory than the other set, in terms of how fast emotions develop, lust develops, and/or desire to fully commit and be fidelitous and live together develops (this is what I mean by different rates/ways).

What do you do then? Do you stifle things amongst the set that's falling faster? Do you try to make things go faster with the set that's moving slower? Do you reject one partner or reject the whole thing? OR, do you say "this is ok, we'll keep letting this be what it is and enjoy it."

If you can honestly say the latter, then you'll be ok. If not, you'll flounder and flail and cause yourself and your partners a lot of pain.

Because ultimately, we don't love a relationship structure, we don't love an ideal, we love individuals and the thing about individuals is that they're different from each other.

And that's why it can be better not to go into anything with the "goal" of a perfectly equal triad... because if you have that goal and it doesn't happen then you see yourself or the other person/people or the whole situation as a "failure" because it didn't meet the goal. Better to have your desires and hopes and boundaries, but to go in as much as possible with an entirely open mind and heart.

Tl;dr version: poly-fi triads can and do happen, but when they happen successfully it's because of luck, serendipity and time... be careful not to do what so many, to their detriment, do by falling into the trap of ruining whatever beautiful things come your way by trying to make them fit into a configuration that's extraordinarily rare to find long-term, much less right away.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote