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Old 09-09-2011, 07:19 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kateslove View Post
We are both on a quest to learn all we can. We have ordered and begun reading together “The Ethical Slut” although I am not entirely sure it is what we were looking for, it has been quite informative. Though I am very open to all lifestyles, I myself have been pretty vanilla up until this point.
You don't have to be kinky or slutty to be polyamorous. I do find the focus on kink in many of the literature and websites about poly to be rather tiresome. There are other books out there, maybe there's another one that resonates better with you. You might like Opening Up by Tristan Taormino better (though the author is a bit kinky). Check out some of the reviews at the Poly in the Media blog, read through our Book Recommendations thread (maybe start with last page for most recent), or do a search on Amazon or B&N.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kateslove View Post
My husband would be much more comfortable if I cut things off with the gentleman completely until we “figure” this out. I have refused and feel even if it is painful for my husband, I need to be honest. I am unwilling at this point to give the relationship up entirely. Though my feelings for this person have grown and I do care about him, the foundation was a very solid friendship. I love my husband very much and will not act on this unless we are all on the same page. I believe this could take some time and I am grateful for that. I have fears of my own and am more than willing to take this slowly and explore in the healthiest way possible.
This does sound like a very healthy honest approach, and the way you handled it is respectful to everyone. Good for you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kateslove View Post
I do have some questions. Is it normal for me to question who I am as a person? At this point in my life I have a very strong sense of who I am and what I stand for. Now that I have leveled with my husband, I find myself questioning my choices and decisions. Is there something wrong with me that I would seriously consider this lifestyle? Am I out of my gourd to believe my husband and I could actually strengthen our connection by embarking on something like this? It has really fucked with me and I wonder if anyone else has experienced this kind of doubt? If so did you overcome it and what helped?

. . . my husband did not marry a polyamorous woman, he married a monogamous woman who changed her mind. This was not the hand he was dealt. Is it unfair of me to expect him to explore this with me? He has had a very difficult time with a lot of it, but has been willing to learn.
I think naturally every human being's primary goal in life is to continually seek self-knowledge. It's the foundation of philosophy to always question who we are. You're in good company... Socrates, Kerouac, Mary Wollstonecraft, Shakespeare, Ram Dass, Virginia Woolf, Madonna, the people who go on What Not to Wear. Even those with strong personalities have a need to look inward and ask these questions of ourselves. It's never just something that's done and over with when you get an answer. We may come to know ourselves very well, but then a funny thing happens... a new day dawns. Are we the same person we were yesterday?

So, no, there's nothing wrong with you and you're obviously not out of your gourd. Your husband is talking with you about it, reading on his own, exploring what it means, so that says a lot. And yes, while there are plenty of stories you will come across of unbalanced people who fuck relationships up by using the idea of poly to excuse bad behavior, there are plenty others who start with strong relationships that get even stronger, closer, and deeper through polyamory.

As to whether it's fair to "subject" your hubs to this change in your position on marriage and relationships, and what kinds of structure you can live with, well... no couple survives stagnation. People change. It's natural. It would be unfair to deny change. It would be unfair to both of you to live a lie. And healthy couples often leap-frog into life together, you know what I mean? One jumps ahead and has to extend a hand to the other to say "come along with me" and then some other time that partner jumps ahead and reaches back to extend a hand. Human beings grow and evolve and it isn't always at the same pace as our partners, no matter how connected we are. No two people can just stand still in a relationship and expect neither one to ever change or change perspectives on issues, marriage, life.

I'd say, you're in good shape.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-09-2011 at 10:48 AM. Reason: typo
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