.. man, I wrote a really huge reply, and this browser deleted it.. oh well.. I just wanted to thank you, Anne, for making me feel a lot better. We talked a lot of things today with my boyfriend and I feel optimistic now. It's just the thing that I imagine a lot of dark things in my head and make things worse than they are, but when I just see the reality as it is, which isn't that bad, I realize that I'm making a lot out of nothing. Not saying that I didn't deserve to feel bad, but I'm happy that I'm happier now.
I'm still scared though. But I have many years to spend with him and think about this (or just forget about it entirely until it comes up again, if I need to), and who knows, maybe I can somehow accept it so well that I can try it out too. He brought up a good point, that I'm somehow imagining that he would pick up a random hot stranger from the street and start dating them, but what I think is awesome is that he wants to date a person we have both known a while. And I can actually see myself maybe trying out poly in this sort of way! I can already think of a few guy-friends of ours I would not mind seeing him date, because they are harmless, cute, and really nice. I'm just imagining this hot beastial vixen man-babe with chiseled abs and an amazing dick and it makes me feel really bad, but I don't know where that stuff is coming from?!
When I was a teenager, and quit anti-depressants for a while, my hormones started rolling around again after being stunted for years of meds, I was crushing on everyone I met and was dreaming of dating everyone at once.. but once I started dating him, all those thoughts were gone and I started dreaming of having kids and living together on the countryside.. you know. I was glad to have calmed down after years of confusion and panic attacks. This all just feels too confusing to include into my life.
But as I said.. I have optimistic feelings for now. I felt earlier today that the world is going to end, but I'm starting to calm down.. although I'm honestly scared. And I would be really happy if he was monogamous instead, so things would be easier. But I don't know, this can turn out any way possible.. and I can change in the next few years drastically, and so might he. We'll see.