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Old 09-07-2011, 04:34 PM
sbibbers sbibbers is offline
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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, Magdlyn. I feel lucky that there's a person here who can relate.

I will probably try and talk to my friends later on. Right now I feel so scared and confused. I've tried to get him to talk to his friends too, neither of us have really opened our mouths about the issue with anyone else and we feel that we both need some advice and reassurance.

I've noticed that loving a trans-person is very hard. And I'm so thankful that you know what you're talking about, I'm the opposite of a lustful person so the day when he starts taking T seems kind of scary to me. He's very tired and apathetic at this moment of his life and I really want him to get the body he deserves, and having his hormones settled down will do him a world of awesome. I have some other trans friends and seeing the change in them is also pretty cool.

He is uncertain whether or not he will be interested in poly. (Isn't it obvious that he will if he's already preparing me for his possible poly-relationships? He keeps saying that nothing is certain yet but for me it's obvious that he can't just say this stuff and then just not do it, there's a reason why it has been brought up) It's just that he doesn't want to have sex un-emotionally, he must have a love behind it. He feels that having sex with someone and then just dumping them is wrong. In my burst of selfishness and panic told him that does he really have to get involved emotionally with someone else, and he didn't understand my point. The emotional part feels more like hurtful for me than any sort of emotionless sex would.

This is actually not a poly-related thing, but one of my other issues is wondering whether or not he will be completely gay after taking T. He has been wondering about it himself, because he has heard of a lot of his friends turning super-gay after taking shots. I'm really scared that he will stop being sexually attracted to me entirely and will have to go for other people for sex, and just be with me romantically. That would really break my heart, but it's another issue I just have to work out. It's really just another concern I have, and I've planned having a talk with this other cis-girl who dates a trans-guy.

It does feel really hard. I have this strain above me all the time that does not let go, I'm worried what happens in a few years and even he can't answer all of my questions, he can't be sure what happens after he starts taking shots. It feels painful being uncertain about the future.

I feel that we are both a bit naive. I'm the worse one, because I'm so romantic and simple in a way. It might be our downfall because we can't have what we want because the world doesn't work that way. I'm feeling really desperate because I can see a future with him but it just might not work if we have such different views of the world and can't understand eachother.

I definitely need some time. And more self-confidence. I feel really shitty acting like this about this ordeal, it's making him angry and sad because of course he is frustrated that I can't just stop crying and understand this and just wait what will happen in a few years. I know the only choice is just keep dating until he starts taking T and then see where it takes both of us. I'm just scared it's something I can't handle, and it will be even worse in the future. I just.. really, REALLY don't want to break up with him over something that hasn't even happened yet. But the day when he would come home and tell me that he's in love with someone else feels like a fist over my heart so bad that I'm so, so scared.

Thank you again magdlyn for writing me things. It provoked some thoughts. I have a really pessimistic view over this issue after reading these forums, I feel more and more like there's no way for me to handle this because I really can't relate to anything poly, it feels impossible. I have a bad habit of slipping into desperation though, I don't know what I need right now. But thank you.
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