Need some advice and people to talk to
Hi. I've really felt bad these couple of days and I thought i'd register here to write down a bit about my feelings. I browsed a lot of sites and you lot seemed like really nice people, which encouraged me to try and write this down here.
I'm a cis-female in her twenties and I'm dating a ftm guy also in his twenties. I met him a year ago and I've been dating him happily and feeling sure he's my guy forever. He brought up his desire for poly a while ago. I've been feeling sort of betrayed and horrible ever since then, because I was sort of assured that he is a really traditional kind of guy. My wilder years are definitely over so I was happy about that. I identify as pan in the sense that im only sexually attracted to a person I'm in love with. (I've had crushes on girls, boys, genderqueers and transfolks alike, but this is the first time I'm really in love with someone) He identifies as bi, and has only been dating one girl before me. He told me that his ideal situation would be me dating someone else while he was also dating a guy because he would like to have an experience with men, and we would both be still happy and love eachother the most. i'm really not comfortable with that though, because I am not attracted to other people and I don't want to have sex or even kiss anyone else. It's the exact opposite with him, he even said that he wouldn't mind me doing that at all, he'd just like me to be happy.
This is awesome and rational to me, I support poly and have friends who are in poly-relationships, but suddenly when I'm faced with it myself, I feel really horrible. I don't understand where he's coming from at all, because even if I have had crushes and sexual feelings about females, I really don't NEED the experience with a female. I UNDERSTAND it logically, but my emotions make me feel terrible, and the feeling of him loving someone else besides me makes me cry uncontrollably. I've already spent the last few days feeling a heavy feeling of dread, and today I'm skipping school because I really want to be alone. I've talked with him and he's been extremely kind to me, but it's gotten to the point where he keeps saying the same things over and over again, but it doesn't make me feel any better. He would still love me the most, but he'd just also like to love someone else. I wouldve probably been allright with him just having a sexual experience with a guy (which would've still made me feel horrible because sex isn't just sex to me, it's something you do with someone you LOVE and TRUST) but the fact that he's really sure that hes gonna fall in love with somebody that he would like to be someone I also like I approve of him dating someone.. I really don't see that happening, I would probably hate them on first sight, just because I would know they are doing things to him I would usually do, and that would make me feel dirty and personally insulted.
I don't really know what to do. My guy thinks that my feelings are because this is my first actual serious relationship with someone. He has dated someone monogamously before, wanted to get married have kids with her, hated the idea of poly blahblah but it turned out to be a disaster, (ironically she wanted to have a threesome with some guy and ended up just cheating on him) now that he's with me, who is really shy and wants just to be comfortable and ALONE with him, he has the idea that poly would be awesome, and that he wants to have experiences with people who he loves. and.. I don't know, I'm really sure at this point that poly is not for me. It just makes me immensely uncomfortable, both the idea of me and him doing it.
I'm not sure if the only choice here is me leaving him, but neither of us want to do that. It's like I'm trapped with nowhere to go without someone getting hurt in the progress. I really love him and am prepared to be with him, but ever since he told me of his poly-ideas, I've felt uncertain and terrible. I reallly, really don't know what to do with this situation. I've been sort of desperate about being able to talk to someone, I'm too scared to ask my poly-friends for help, being anonymous might help me get this out of my system.
Then again, we're both dealing with depression, including him not being finished with his process yet (i really hope there's some lgtb people here knowing what I'm talking about, I can't really register to trans-forums to talk about this..) so maybe it's making me more scared and him more.. I don't know. He has a really tough time all the time so because of my instant crying about this issue it already made him snap at me once but it's okay now.
Depression-wise I'm not so bad anymore but we're both taking anti-depressants anyway. I was diagnosed with panic disorder a few years back, so maybe it's just that kicking in.
Sorry if this is sort of stupid, and if I'm disrespecting anyone here. I'd just like to know that is there any way for me to accept poly or something I need to know about it, or getting rid of jealousy-issues.. (I've had trouble with friendships before because of that shit) but or is it really just me who's in the fault here and who needs to change? Do I really have to break up with him? (I feel like rather dying that doing that) Am I making a big childish deal out of basically nothing? Have we been dating too short of a time to tell, and am I just an inexperienced little girl? I just really want to be as happy as I was before this whole issue started, and I'm scared that there's no turning back to that time ever again. This is sort of a devastating thing for me, I'm really confused and ashamed of being so broken over it, especially since we aren't even doing anything yet, just talking about it.
Huge thank you in advance to anyone who bothers to read (and maybe even reply to) this. I'm almost too scared to post this here, too. -sbibbers