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Old 09-06-2011, 11:36 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Hey Carma, I don't want to just reiterate the things I've said on your blog, but I'm really curious, wouldn't it be easier to issue an ultimatum about honesty than about the relationship period? So, not "you can only be with Barbie if you love her the way I love Butch" but rather "you can only be with Barbie if you're honest with her the way I'm honest with Butch"?

To me, that seems not only more fair, in that you're asking him to change something he can control (his actions) versus something he can't control (his feelings), but also more relevant to the root of the issue you're having with their relationship.

Lies are toxic, they metastasize. This is not going to get easier for anyone if he just "gives it more time." Instead, the longer this goes on as is the more betrayed she's going to feel and, therefore, the more of a threat she may pose to your family's reputation, livelihood, who knows (you know what they say about a woman scorned).

Asking that you get an outside partner while he doesn't is, I think at least, too much to ask. Asking for a policy of honesty, on the other hand, is NOT too much to ask. And I think, with the history of his lies to you and to her, honesty at this point is going to have to involve you and she meeting... otherwise how can you trust that he's really come completely clean to her?

She doesn't need to be your sister wife or even your friend. But she needs to meet you and know who you really are, as opposed to the pretend person your husband has told her about. That's my take on it.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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