Originally Posted by Carma
We were finally getting our MFM V settled -- my husband had worked through a lot of jealousy, we had established and agreed upon good boundaries, the NRE had calmed down, the men were comfortable with their friendship with one another. I was in my glory, really.
But then Sundance struck up a relationship with a BarbieDoll look-alike, and now things are really sketchy.
He feels it's not fair for me to say, "I expect you to share me with another man, but I cannot share you with another woman."
Well, how did I know I couldn't do this??? I am NOT handling it well!!! I thought I could but I'm a bit of a basket case.
He says if I want him to end it, he will. But, of course, I will then be expected to end my relationship with Butch. Is THAT "fair"???
He says he's not in love with her. She however, tells him she loves him. I guess I had thought if he started a relationship with someone, we'd be introduced, we'd be like "sister wives," it would add to the love in our family. Instead, it's gone quite differently. I haven't met her, and they've been seeing each other for months now. She buys him little presents and texts him and calls him all the time. He leaves us home to go meet with her. She is not adding to the our family -- she is taking away from it! Well -- not entirely true: she also buys things for our KIDS. But she is not on our team. I believe she'd love nothing better than to wrangle my husband right into her arms. Even though he's told her he loves me and he won't get divorced, I think she believes he's staying for the sake of the kids, and that it won't hold up to her seductive wiles. (He has told her we don't sleep together, since I started seeing my boyfriend. Which is completely untrue! She probably thinks I'm some kind of cold fish.
Trust is such a big thing in poly, I'm sure we'd all on this forum agree. I don't trust this girl. I'm trying hard to trust my husband -- but seeing him lie to her isn't helping things! If things don't change, I'm going to have to do something. Up til now I thought my only option was to break things off with Butch. But that won't stop my heart. I've tried that before; it never worked.
I've been questioning what is the right thing to do. I don't want to be a hypocrite. One thing I feel might be fair enough is to say, "If you love this girl, keep seeing her. I will work towards offering you the same respect and understanding you have so graciously given me. If you do not, I would like you to stop."
Would that be shitty of me???
I know there are many views on here about casual sex. But for me, that's not what poly is about. It's about love. Respect and honesty and being authentic.
I'm not sure if I'm being an idealist, a hypocrite, a prude, or a selfish overreactive crybaby, but in any case I guess I'm prepared for the blasting. I ask that you be gentle on me, please.
Yes, you are being a hypocrite.
Yes, it is shitty.
Your fear is dictating your thoughts.
It is UNFAIR of you on a few fronts;
- 'We' (collective) do not get to dictate how our partners do ( aka 'feel') poly. So YOU want love. Great. It is definitely unfair that you dictate he has to feel the same way about his partners that you do yours. It is also unfair that you expect him to live up to the ideal in your head of how your poly is to be. This is no different, then those who want the unicorn, and 1 partner finds something different. You should work on the differences and creating a new vision.
- If you don`t like what he is doing with her, then butt out. That said,..I think this is where your true problem lies. I am not so sure he is being honest with,.....you.
For instance : Why would she KEEP telling him she loves him, and get nothing in return ?
-Vetos : Here is where I would challenge the two schools of thoughts on Vetos. ( You are pretty much suggesting you get to kill his relationship, so veto it is.) I am neither for nor against them. I would say a 'smart' veto would happen when the partner who uses that card, makes sure they do NOT call veto, while under stress, tension, fear, or anger.
If someone can calm down, work on issues, and still see no results, then a veto might be a proper option.
You asked us not to be to hard on you. Here is where I get kinder.
I do not think that you can`t 'handle' him having another partner.
What you can`t handle, is all the lying.
I think your fear is very legit
. You are NOT getting the whole truth.
Stop thinking you need to be Super Poly Woman.
Work on that. It always feels easier to want to fix ourselves, because we can control that. We can make things better then. You seem to want to find fault with yourself, in a situation, where you and someone else, are being lied to on a regular basis.
Time to put the responsibility where it belongs.