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Old 09-06-2011, 08:21 PM
zylya zylya is offline
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Sussex, UK
Posts: 77

Originally Posted by Carma View Post
We were finally getting our MFM V settled -- my husband had worked through a lot of jealousy, we had established and agreed upon good boundaries, the NRE had calmed down, the men were comfortable with their friendship with one another. I was in my glory, really.

But then Sundance struck up a relationship with a BarbieDoll look-alike, and now things are really sketchy.

He feels it's not fair for me to say, "I expect you to share me with another man, but I cannot share you with another woman."
While I'm far more interested in "what works?" than in notions of "what's fair?" I would point out that your husband went through a lot of personal soul-searching to come to terms with your polyamory, and if this is what he wants (and what he actually wants rather than just a tit for tat phase) then I believe that you owe it to him to at least try.

Well, how did I know I couldn't do this??? I am NOT handling it well!!! I thought I could but I'm a bit of a basket case.

He says if I want him to end it, he will. But, of course, I will then be expected to end my relationship with Butch. Is THAT "fair"???
As above, it's not really about fair, it's about what people want/need for themselves.

He says he's not in love with her. She however, tells him she loves him. I guess I had thought if he started a relationship with someone, we'd be introduced, we'd be like "sister wives," it would add to the love in our family. Instead, it's gone quite differently. I haven't met her, and they've been seeing each other for months now. She buys him little presents and texts him and calls him all the time. He leaves us home to go meet with her. She is not adding to the our family -- she is taking away from it! Well -- not entirely true: she also buys things for our KIDS. But she is not on our team. I believe she'd love nothing better than to wrangle my husband right into her arms. Even though he's told her he loves me and he won't get divorced, I think she believes he's staying for the sake of the kids, and that it won't hold up to her seductive wiles. (He has told her we don't sleep together, since I started seeing my boyfriend. Which is completely untrue! She probably thinks I'm some kind of cold fish.)
Couple of things here, first off, I don't think you should insist on her becoming "part of the family", for a start you have no idea whether you'd even like this woman. I would say that it's basic courtesy to introduce her to you, but I wouldn't feel that he has any further obligation than that, unless all three of you wanted more than that.

You talk about her "taking away from the family" and "she'd love nothing better than to wrangle my husband right into her arms" but this is just your own insecurities talking. You have no idea what this woman wants out of this relationship, for all you know, she might PREFER that he has a family to go to.

Lying to her though is a warning flag, although that would be true of any serious relationship.

Trust is such a big thing in poly, I'm sure we'd all on this forum agree. I don't trust this girl. I'm trying hard to trust my husband -- but seeing him lie to her isn't helping things! If things don't change, I'm going to have to do something. Up til now I thought my only option was to break things off with Butch. But that won't stop my heart. I've tried that before; it never worked.

I've been questioning what is the right thing to do. I don't want to be a hypocrite. One thing I feel might be fair enough is to say, "If you love this girl, keep seeing her. I will work towards offering you the same respect and understanding you have so graciously given me. If you do not, I would like you to stop."
I think the communication and trust is a big issue here, and one that has to be worked out between you and your husband, regardless of any other relationships. The only thing I would say is that requiring him to love her at this early stage of their relationship is a little unfair - love isn't an instant process and you need to remember that his relationship with her is young compared to his with you.

Would that be shitty of me???

I know there are many views on here about casual sex. But for me, that's not what poly is about. It's about love. Respect and honesty and being authentic.

I'm not sure if I'm being an idealist, a hypocrite, a prude, or a selfish overreactive crybaby, but in any case I guess I'm prepared for the blasting. I ask that you be gentle on me, please.
I came to this topic based on you posting in the belief systems topic, and in it you said that you're most comfortable in the MFM V that you've got going on, but although we all do it sometimes, it's important to remember that there are the other people in the relationship with you (something I'm often guilty of!). It's great when you find your perfect fit, but if it's not EVERYONE's perfect fit then there's still work to be done.

I guess the answer to your question, do I have to go from V to N is no, you don't have to. Like I said in the belief systems topic, everyone needs to work out what is and isn't right for them, and this is one of those things. If him having another relationship is a dealbreaker for you, then it's a dealbreaker. However, I believe that the most important thing to do is to work on your communication with your husband.

Best of luck
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