Originally Posted by greenbasil
I am... attempting to join my new (2 months in) long distance boyfriend's 10 year relationship with the woman he loves and is committed to.
...full immersion into one anothers' lives.
...we began discussing possible scenarios beautiful and frightening of carving out a life together.
...I am still so afraid of meeting her. of not liking her. and most importantly of how to negotiate the dynamics of our triad were I to move in with them or they with me.
... the nuts and bolts of a functioning triad.
...I also am aware that my OSO is not interested in being a secondary to my partner....and so I have to ask myself If I too would or wouldnt be content with that. Our ideal is a full partnership each with very different needs...
Hi greenbasil, yummy name!
First of all, some terms. Your new bf's partner is not your OSO. We call partners of partners metamours. (If when you do meet her, and you both fall in love [should that happen] he and she will both be your SOs, partners, lovers, whatever.)
Second, you seem intent on a triad, but that term means you are romantically involved with both people. Since you haven't even met her yet, there is no way of knowing if you will even like each other, much less love each other, much less both be attracted to each other sexually.
Why not spend time just getting to know your new bf better? NRE can make us feel the new partner is perfect for us, but this usually takes months, if not a year, to really determine. There is no need to feel pressure to also love her as much as you love him. It is also way too soon to imagine moving in with them! You all will have lots of talking and negotiating to move to that step.
Are you ready to move to the west coast for him (even if just to get your own place near them)? Pulling up stakes, leaving job, school, friends and family, to be nearer a guy you've only met once?
Of course your bf's gf will still be his primary. Usually even if love is equal, a new partner starts out as a secondary, based on finances, living arrangements, child care, who gets to spend time with their extended family, friends, work colleagues, etc. You can gain equal primary status over time as you work out the kinks of everything, degree of love and compatibility, life styles and interests, job schedules, jealousy, fear of loss, degree of sexual involvement, time management, date nights, and so on.