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Old 09-06-2011, 12:00 AM
Wiseacre Wiseacre is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Washington State
Posts: 5

Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
She doesn't have to like it. She doesn't have to agree with it. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO PROMISE TO GIVE IT A TRY. But she DOES have to work on understanding, and work on her own esteem and insecurity issues, or else you're just choking down your feelings and she's just coasting along, expecting to never have to deal with it again, and that ain't right.
I would never extract a promise from her to try it. That seems like a road headed straight into disaster to me.

Whenever the subject comes up, we end up at the same place: she feels like she's holding me back, and is conflicted over that, and afraid it will lead to resentment if we don't try it. But at the same time, she told me recently she doesn't think she can EVER be in a non-monogamous relationship, and if she ever changes her mind, she'll let me know, and, well, pretty much to never bring up the subject again in the context of our relationship. Which was frustrating, because I brought up the subject but not in the context of our relationship, and her questions brought us there.

Where I'm at now, I need to figure out exactly how important this is to my happiness, and how much of a risk I want to take for something I've never tried. Meanwhile, keep loving her, reassuring her, and trying my best to help her through her insecurity and self-esteem issues, while working on my own.

Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
Just as some people will never, ever, in their lives, be able to understand calculus and differential equations, there are people who will never, ever, in their lives, be able to comprehend the notion of having deep romantic love for more than one person at a time. That's just the way they're wired. I think that most people merely have societal acculturation to overcome; there are some, though, who are hardwired mono, and you have to accept that your gf might be one of them.
This is part of why I've taken up meditation and reading about Buddhist practices. I will never be able to understand calculus. It's likely she'll never understand poly, nor want to. Practicing mindfulness and meditation is all about acceptance and letting go of anguish. It'll be good for my peace of mind, no matter what happens.

Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
It often does, but in this case, what she needs most to understand is HERSELF. Once she knows why she feels the way she feels, only then will she be in a position not to be frightened. That's going to take a LOT of reassurance on your part, and it may take a number of baby steps even if she does agree to try staying with you while you live as a poly.
At this point, I don't think living as a poly while staying with her is feasible. But, this brought up a lot of issues between us that need to be addressed regardless. I'm going to put my focus on those instead of opening our relationship up in any way.

I think it's remarkable how simply bringing up the idea of non-monogamy flushes out so many emotions and issues. I wonder how many people would choose to live non-monogamously if they (and our culture) were better equipped for it.

Thanks so much for the response!
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