HEALING AND GROWING
So, the end of the last post probably hinted at the most pressing issue in my marriage at the moment. I can't fathom life without my DH... he is my best friend. However the attraction and deep love that I felt for him at the start of our marriage and for the first several years seems to have slipped away from me. I'm at a loss as to what to do about it, or if anything CAN be done.
Is it still there, buried deep inside waiting to be discovered once we've both healed and worked on reconnecting?
Did it evaporate into the cosmos a little more each time my heart or my trust was broken as we stumbled through our relationship unintentionally hurting each other and learning about our deepest, darkest selves?
Was it never really there to begin with, but just a feeling I had for the person I *thought* my husband was and therefore disappearing as I learned more about him... or did my feelings change as he inevitably changed due to the tragic events in our life and because people naturally change and evolve as they go through life?
Am I just bored with my primary relationship after over 10 years together and the monotony of day to day life?
Is it part and parcel of some of the medication(s) I've had to take due to mild depression and hormonal changes that seem to flatten my emotions and alter my personality slightly. I've stopped taking those in an attempt to find out, but it's not as simple as it sounds.
I wish I knew the answer(s). Maybe it's a combination of all of these things and things I haven't even thought of yet.
I see other relationships that have endured for decades where the people involved seem to still be deeply in love. In some cases, they even claim to be more deeply in love and more closely connected than when they met. What's the secret? How did they do it? Why don't we have that? He still seems to love me to distraction and is clearly deeply attracted to me... what happened to me that it slipped away? More importantly... can I ever get it back? Do I need to get it back or can I be content living this way... with my best friend in contentment but not in love?
I know that all relationships come with issues. If I went off in search of love and abandoned my primary relationship in the name of said search, who's to say I would find it? If I did find it, who's to say that person wouldn't also hurt me, or hurt me worse? Who's to say THAT love would last? The grass isn't always greener on the other side. So, am I settling for less than I deserve? Am I forcing him to settle for a partner who isn't capable of giving him her whole heart?
He's my best friend and I could never break his heart and devastate his life just to satisfy romantic notions that may turn out to be a fairy tale. We have 2 children together whose happiness I'm not willing to risk on "what if." At this point that's my best answer.
"Life is too short to always sit around worrying about the bad shit that could happen. It's a lot more fun to go start some shit of my own. "