THE BROKEN WING SYNDROME
Around this same time I ended up having a short relationship with a former special forces veteran who was damaged emotionally and physically by the horrors of war. I hadn't paid any attention to him until he had a PTSD episode right in front of me. The connection and attraction was immediate, intense and inexplicable. Sure, he was sexy, funny and smart in a practical way (as opposed to being book smart.) But other than that I barely knew him. The previous summer I had spent MONTHS getting to know a man who was intelligent, funny, good looking and completely compatible with me. We had tons in common, he was even self-educated on poly relationships and was completely comfortable with himself and the lifestyle. The only flaw was that I wasn't attracted to him even one iota. It made NO sense at all.
The affair (too short to really call it a relationship) with the war veteran made me realize a couple of things:
#1: I don't know my sexual needs very well at all. He kept asking what I wanted, what I needed sexually. I had NO clue. Here I am 37 years old and I really haven't spent a lot of time delving into my own PHYSICAL needs.
#2: I am inexplicably attracted to emotionally damaged people. I coincidentally ended up contemplating what attracts me to certain women and noticed that ALL of the women that I've been intensely SEXUALLY attracted to in person (as opposed to celebrities etc.) have had "mommy issues." Every one of them had an abusive, disapproving mother who left them emotionally damaged. Wow. This was a huge realization for me. I examined my relationships with men and... you guessed it... the only ones I have been INTENSELY attracted to were those who were emotionally damaged, guarded and distant due to traumatic incidents in their lives.
This is something I plan on addressing with a counselor. Due to my work schedule I haven't yet had a chance to explore this topic more deeply. It did occur to me, however, to wonder if I have some sort of "broken wing" syndrome that compels me to try and take the walking wounded into my nest and "heal" them. A wise person once pointed out that the danger in healing birds with broken wings is this: once they heal, they tend to fly away. In my case, I wonder if the opposite is true. I take them under my wing, heal them, allow them to be dependent on me and then once they heal I no longer find them as attractive.
"Life is too short to always sit around worrying about the bad shit that could happen. It's a lot more fun to go start some shit of my own. "