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Old 09-05-2011, 06:12 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Originally Posted by Sodacan View Post
Thank you all for the replies, I can agree that perhaps my eagerness may have scared her. However i have not been given an opportunity to explain, any civil conversation I attempt is ended in her tears and rage.
Simply speaking, if somebody tells me they are trying to have a "civil" conversation with me, that's going to put my hackles up. Just incase you are using this tone with her, you might want to rethink your tactics. It kind of implies you're being logical and make more sense than I am, therefore I need to come around to your way of thinking. Maybe you are not figuring out a way to try to see her fears and figure out where her emotional stuff is coming from?

Originally Posted by Sodacan View Post
If she had genuinely not enjoyed the experience then I would be dealing with these feelings in a different manner but she has expressed that she enjoyed herself very much. Also that if given better terms would enjoy it again. She however demands that if it were to happen again that I am not to be involved, which i can understand, but she also demands that I remain monogamous sexually while she would be allowed to pursue women.
So what is your goal in this? Do you want to both be able to date other people? Do you want to only be in group situations with lovers you both share? Do you feel a driving need to reach some poly goal now? Is there some down side to being open to let her explore being with women while you wait around for awhile monogamous? You are used to feeling poly, she isn't. A little (or lot, who knows) of patience will let her feel like you really love her, you're really committed, and you want to stay around for the long haul, even if other partners are involved - that your love and happiness isn't dependent on her either exploring being bi while you participate, or on the ability to go find yourself other lovers if she's too selfish to share.

I would imagine your reactions now are making her feel like you want to abandon ship if she doesn't want to go along with it, and that since she tried being with somebody once and liked it, everybody should be given license to do what they want and she is a hypocrite if she dares to question how it could be anything other than wonderful for all concerned.

Originally Posted by Sodacan View Post
She has driven most of my close friends away, we still see one another but we do not share the close emotional ties that we once did, and any time i spend with them is greeted afterward with jealousy and implications of unfaithful behavior on my part. I still have casual friends but I can not be close to people in the way I once was.
Well, that isn't going to stop you from having close friendships, just makes home life unpleasant. Unless she is being really unpleasant to them, or deleting phone messages and keeping you from seeing them or something like that...try not to put too much blame on her for this. If you are doing any behaviors that an objective observer might say give her reason for worrying about being unfaithful, you probably should address them with her honestly, or cease them until she feels her trust in you is not misplaced. Cultivating good communication to assure your wife that you love her and won't be breaking any of your marriage vows unless you decide the two of you are not going to be able to make it work OR agree on nonmogamy might be pretty useful.

Anyway, hope I'm not being too harsh. Figure out what your goals are. If you NEED to be poly now, even when you didn't let her know it was a need before you married, practice kindness and patience. Doesn't really matter if she knew how you WERE, it matters how you treat her now. Deciding on if your goals are to be able to get in other people's pants ASAP or to build a strong solid marriage so you can develop other relationships in good time on a stable foundation - well that's something you should really sit down and figure out. Act accordingly.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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