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Old 09-04-2011, 02:57 PM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Manchester, England & Tain, Scotland
Posts: 85

Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
So, for 12 years he wanted this? I am not surprised you were then blindsided by his negative reaction when he and you actually tried it.
Agree with you so far, 'blindsided' is exactly it.

So, after you and he and the woman had your threeway, he thought it was great. And he gave his blessing to you getting together next with the other couple. Then, all of a sudden, he wasn't so on board! This is jealousy and selfishness.
and here, Magdlyn, is where I part company with you.

It seems obvious to me that the man, also, was blindsided by his own reaction. Does nobody else see this? The guy has wanted something for 12 years, then when he gets it, it turns out not to be what he wanted after all.

Has this never happened to anyone else? I don't mean just regarding sex, I mean in any part of life? Every time you wanted something, worked for it, waited for it, every time it turned out as good or better than you expected? If so, I am envious of you.

It is jealousy, yes.

Selfishness, no. The selfish thing for him to do here would be to ask to go on with the part he enjoyed, and ask the woman to stop the part he has trouble with. In fact, within his new understanding of what he wants, he has acted with equality. Please notice this, and give the guy some credit here for at least trying to apply a fair standard.

So, you and the other couple all understood him to be on board with the next step, did what you felt he was cool with, and then your dh pulled back.
because only then did he find he was jealous. He figured it would be OK, up front, but it was not. Maybe he did not think he would be jealous, maybe he figured he might be, but did not know up front how bad it would feel

None of this stops him being responsible for how he deals with his unexpected feelings. It is primarily his responsibility as it his him who has had a sudden change of feeling. He has no right to blame anyone else (if he is), but equally, nobody else has the right to blame him for not knowing up front what his experience would feel like.

Ultimatums are always jarring, and impractical.
as a long term 'solution', yes I agree. As a short term holding fix, while everyone, including him, work out where to go next, it does seem to me to be understandable.

What needs to be made clear, though, is that there is no way back to where the couple were before.

One of the couple has found it a wonderful experience, the other has not. That is a huge challenge for them to overcome. I suggest accepting the ultimatum as a short term measure, backed up with clarity that the conditions for acceptance are that the couple both continue to discuss the way forward from here. If need be, that can be put as a counter-ultimatum.

Jealousy can cause someone to reel in fright though, and close the barn door when the horse is already out.
Exactly. There are ways to address jealousy, google 'polyamory compersion' for some ideas on this. There are lots of useful threads on this forum and elsewhere. (Someone who knows this forum better than me might like to post some cross links to useful threads)

But please do give him time to work through the unexpected feelings that have come up.

Oh men! I think this is soooo common. Men get all excited, their cocks get hard, and then they actually have some sex, and then experience a period of disgust. "How could have wanted this? I feel like a pervert." This happens not just in poly situations, but in other areas as well. Once the semen is drained, they then change their mind.
Please think about how you feel when men make this kind of remark about women's periods. Many women enjoy/suffer huge changes in what they want on a monthly cycle. It is hormonal. Many men, as you have clearly noticed, enjoy/suffer huge changes in what they want before and after sex. That is hormonal too.

You have no more right to make this kind of sexist remark about a man than I would have to make the same kind of derogatory remark about a woman who refuses sex due to PMT. (And to avoid any doubt, I do not make those kinds of remarks, and try to interrupt them when others do)

You should not blame anyone for hormonal changes, or ridicule their entire gender for it.

It is fair and reasonable to treat adults as adults, and expect them to take prime responsibility for dealing with their own hormonal changes.

Well, he did have a "great time" with his 2 women, but then you had a great time with a woman and a guy and suddenly, he realizes he's getting "nothing" out of it. Uh huh.
Again, unfair. He has opted out of repeating his "great time" hasn't he? If he accepted the ongoing situation he would probably have had that happen again, right? That is not "getting nothing"is it?

Please Magdlyn, look again at what you have written. I usually like your posts, but not this one.

You will not help this couple resolve anything by blatantly taking sides like this, especially not when you make it into a gender loyalty issue. It is a difficult situation that was totally unexpected by both of them, and will need a spirit of good will to sort out, not a spirit of blame.

There are two Rivers here now: which one is this?

quaker poly experiences and poly: a quaker perspective

I hope other British Quakers who are poly (or wonder if they are) will contact me here, thanks, Friends.

Last edited by trueRiver; 09-04-2011 at 03:06 PM. Reason: bold text for emphasis
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