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Old 09-04-2011, 06:29 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Austin, TX
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Originally Posted by Wiseacre View Post
This is the only thing I feel stifled about in our relationship, though I have agreed to be mono for a year. I'm afraid that when the year is up, if I bring up the subject again, I'll get the same, "Am I not enough for you?" responses and the fights and the guilt will start all over again.
If you let the subject go quiet, and don't bring it up again until the year is up, then you certainly will get that. Your gf has to accept that the price for you remaining mono (for her) for a year is that she has to work on at least trying to understand how poly works, and at least trying to understand that THIS IS NOT ABOUT HER. It's about YOU.

She doesn't have to like it. She doesn't have to agree with it. SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO PROMISE TO GIVE IT A TRY. But she DOES have to work on understanding, and work on her own esteem and insecurity issues, or else you're just choking down your feelings and she's just coasting along, expecting to never have to deal with it again, and that ain't right. Even if, at the end of it all, you do remain mono, you'll both be better off if she doesn't derive her self-esteem from having you all to herself.

Originally Posted by Wiseacre
I think that's why it upsets me that she doesn't seem to understand it; we connect so well on every other level.
Just as some people will never, ever, in their lives, be able to understand calculus and differential equations, there are people who will never, ever, in their lives, be able to comprehend the notion of having deep romantic love for more than one person at a time. That's just the way they're wired. I think that most people merely have societal acculturation to overcome; there are some, though, who are hardwired mono, and you have to accept that your gf might be one of them.

Originally Posted by Wiseacre
Part of the problem is, I have a tendency to form crushes. She's said she's afraid I'm going to lose my head over every guy that hits on me, and the very fact that I form crushes causes her pain, despite that I know they don't last. She wants me to avoid forming crushes, but it's not exactly something I can control. I feel like if I turn tail and run every time I think I might crush on someone, I might be missing out on some great friendships, and possibly some growth as a person.
That's me, too, but with girls.

There are a number of scary issues here that she will need to examine if you are going to give poly a go, and still be with her. She's going to have to get down and dirty about WHY she fears that you'll lose your head over some guy, and about WHY having crushes causes her pain. I'm pretty sure I know the answer (it's fear that she'll lose you, fear that she doesn't think she'll measure up even though you won't be measuring, fear that she's not good enough, and so on), but until she realizes that for herself, and speaks truth to her fears, she'll be defensive and reflexive about all of this.

Originally Posted by Wiseacre
I guess I've always thought acceptance springs from understanding, not as two separate states. I'll have to mull that over, thanks for the food for thought!
It often does, but in this case, what she needs most to understand is HERSELF. Once she knows why she feels the way she feels, only then will she be in a position not to be frightened. That's going to take a LOT of reassurance on your part, and it may take a number of baby steps even if she does agree to try staying with you while you live as a poly.
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