nycindie, good point that there's no hard rules about it in polyamory. I guess we're trying to form our own rules/boundaries and ran into this minor sticking point.
River, my wife never said outright that my all thoughts should all be of her. That was my interpretation of her responses. Perhaps I should not have made that statement. She did make statements like "why do you need to look at that stuff? You have some [lingerie] photos of me." Maybe she just wanted to understand my point of view.
I have to admit that my previous understanding was that she didn't like it, but wasn't going to tell me not to do it. It turns out that she really did not want me looking at porn at all. Truth be told, I have been looked at porn when she's gone or not in the mood, which is kind of cheating since she didn't want me to do it. The good news is that the mis-understanding is cleared up. But this seems pretty unfair to me... I'm supposed to approve of her being with another guy, but she's going to veto me jerking off to internet porno??? I think her words were "poly is about consensual relationships and I don't consent to you looking at internet porn".
I hope I'm not making her out to be a controlling witch - she's actually quite the opposite. It's just a difference of opinion that needs to get sorted out.