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Old 09-03-2011, 11:23 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Manchester, England & Tain, Scotland
Posts: 85

Originally Posted by Wiseacre View Post

Any advice on coming to terms with my polyamorous tendencies while in a monogamous relationship? I don't know if she'll ever be comfortable with it, ...
hi Wiseacre

For me, poly is about getting the number of partners right.

Ideally, it is about getting it absolutely right for everyone in a relationship. In practice, this is sometimes impossible, if partners have different ideas. Then for me the issue becomes: what number of partners is best overall? Which existing partner can give way and still flourish as a person within the relationship.

In the year 2000 I was where you are now (except it was a hettie couple). I decided I could give way and accept mono boundaries while the relationships lasted, because I could see my partner was genuine when she said that was what she needed. I could look at myself and see that I could be OK with mono, even if it was not my ideal state.

To be fair, the discussion needs to be equal: both of you open to discuss the idea of either person moving position. In that sense again, I was where you find yourself: my then partner would not even discuss the matter. OK, then, it became my decision whether to accept that or not.

If neither partner can give way and yet still flourish as a person, then the relationship will hurt at least one of you (ie the one who gives way). In that case, in my opinion, it would be better to end it. Gracefully, tactfully, respectfully, stay friends, but neither of you trapping the other in something that will stifle her as a person.

... it hurts to think she might never understand this part of me.
Maybe the important thing is whether she can ever accept that this is a part of you (and this does seem in doubt at present). But if she could come to accept it as a part of the person she loves, how much would it matter if she still did not understand??

There are two Rivers here now: which one is this?

quaker poly experiences and poly: a quaker perspective

I hope other British Quakers who are poly (or wonder if they are) will contact me here, thanks, Friends.

Last edited by trueRiver; 09-03-2011 at 11:28 AM. Reason: added final comment
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