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Old 09-03-2011, 11:08 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Manchester, England & Tain, Scotland
Posts: 85

Originally Posted by troubles View Post
I know what I want. But I don't know if what I want is fair. I know what my husband says he wants right now, which is different than what he said before. My earlier post was posted out of frustration, not out of truth. This whole thing WAS wonderful, wonderful. And somehow I messed it up and need to make repairs.
hi troubles

There is never anything unfair about wanting anything. What you want is neither fair nor unfair. What your husband wants is neither fair nor unfair.

Fairness comes in when you try to get what you want. There are fair and unfair ways of resolving a conflict in a relationship.

Second, you did not mess up; nor did he. He tried something new, and was surprised by his own reaction to it. He now knows he is mono, you now know you are poly and want that part of you to find expression.

Not your fault, nor his neither.

It is not about repairing something that went wrong, but about how the two of you, as a committed couple, deal with these two sets of conflicting self-knowledge.

You found it wonderful. He found it the reverse (what word does he use for his experience? Use his word when talking about him: and use your word when talking about you).

That is a big challenge for both of you. To meet this challenge fairly, in a way that is fair to both of you, you both need to step away from things like guilt, messed up-ness, self-blame.

I have not given you any answers: what I hope I have done is point out that some questions are going to be more helpful than others.

There are two Rivers here now: which one is this?

quaker poly experiences and poly: a quaker perspective

I hope other British Quakers who are poly (or wonder if they are) will contact me here, thanks, Friends.

Last edited by trueRiver; 09-03-2011 at 11:13 AM.
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