It sounds, to me, like this is a case where the labels of primary and secondary don't really work for you all. Why not love/support each other on equal terms and stop worrying about the positions you have in each others lives, knowing that there is a place for each other but all on the same level ground? Have you broached this topic to your OSOs? If so, what do they want? The real tricky part to handle, if having all be equal, is any ownership of property and how that will be managed.
Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner
This is in large part due to H OSO who packed up what she had at the house and left saying we needed to work out our problems before she went crazy. Since neither one of us wants to lose her from our lives we started working.
One of the options we are talking about is having our OSO be our primaries instead.
Ah, so things are still being resolved and this is your thought process while trying to make it all work. Actually, I would think it will take some deeper work on the underlying issues before you get to this point. The other relationships and how they are managed will not heal your relationship with your husband. The foundation has to be strengthened, then the OSOs will be seen in a more positive light.
I also think some work done together as a group would be very healing. Perhaps all four of you should see a therapist together so things can be brought up about what is/is not working and the air cleared.