lady jools, I like the Y myself if it fits... mine is a "V" with a floating "dot" that adds itself to me and my husband every now and then....and now Mono in the form of a friend.... what the heck would that be?!!! believe me, my tersiary or my "fancy" as he likes to call himself is really in a class of his own... hard to explain and really not important....
Thanks for starting this Ceoli! no need to duck! your thread has five stars already! I suspect I know who added that... ahum, HMA? perhaps?
Anyway, me here in our "V" thinks that there is no real "V" except where sex is concerned. and even so that is loose. as we all have sex together sometimes anyway.... anyways.... Mono, I think, begs to differ on this one, but I really think that there is no way around not having a relationship "triad." Even if my two men are not together they have a close relationship and a common bond in me. Even in the last "V" I was in with my ex girlfriend, when it was my now husband as the secondary, we still had a close bond between the three of us.
I kind of see it as an elastic rubber band on three points,... those points move around and the band stretches. Sometimes I find myself closer to one of my men than the other and sometimes I find myself far from both of them and they are closer. It depends on the circumstance and what is going on in our lives.
For example, when there is stuff to be done around the house and the two men are working on it, I am most definitely not close to them. I look admiringly from a distance. If I stay at Mono's house I become very close to him and we seem to meld into one sometimes.... after a time I start to "jones" for my husband and long to be near him again. I go home and am happy to be close to him again....
This can last for longer periods of time too. Right now I feel very close to Mono as he and I have had some ups and downs and I have been supporting him through some personal stuff as of late. Husband and I are happily swimming along in our merry life and there is no need to process anything right now.
I have learned, in time, that there is no need to be concerned when I am not as in touch with one or the other because it all comes around. Mono needs my full attention right now and having expressed this to my husband, who agrees I should do my best to be there as much as I can, I am free to be available to him. Because the two men are invested in not only knowing each other, but "loving" each other, they are willing to give to the other in the form of ME. The beauty of it is that I can relax in the company of the one with the least amount of stuff going on after
(really I love all of it immensely, or I just wouldn't do it!).
When there is stuff going on for me, as there was with my parents recently in our coming out, the two of them rise to the occasion and fiercely protect me and look after my best interest. Sometimes in the form of talking me through stuff and sometimes just in listening and doing nice things for me. There was even one occasion that they came together and approached me about leaving a lover of mine that was not suitable.
So, to get back to Ceoli's post, what is the big deal about a firm triad situation... is it not possible, as Ceoli says, to let the flow of the relationship lead the way? If a "V" works better in the long run, then why not?!
I hear of so many people looking for a "triad" with a unicorn because they think their love is so special it should be shared, that it quite frankly makes me want to wretch. Like the third is a puppy or something.... all relationship styles are hard work and life changing to anyone in them. Why not keep the definitions (such as triad or "V") as a tool to express what one wants rather than set it all in stone. It makes more sense to me to keep an open mind and stay true to our OWN paths (not co-dependent ones
) rather than inflict a definition on the whole thing from the get go.