I was trying to stay general so I could get opinions from others' varying types of situations, but I guess that made it confusing! More me thinking things through, and realizing that the 'what if' of having to walk away from the beginning (as in first) 'other' of a disaster-start-poly was a proverbial question I wanted to ask the general forum. I am tentative as I find forums can be extremely difficult to express yourself on without others reading the message incorrectly due to grammar or vocab chosen!
I female, married to husband (i said partner) He
is of the utmost importance - in this, in all things (a relationship part that I have been defected in showing in the past) and me not wanting to hurt him, or our marriage, stays at the top of my list.
I am struggling with my emotions because I am deeply sad to walk away from the 'love' (any strong emotion can be inserted here) that I felt in the relationship with the 'other'. A friendship has been lost (or is in the motions of being lost) as it seems impossible to continue on as 'just friends' when that is all we were the entire time (we talked often as the basis of friends, got to know each other well and feelings started to grow) until I was able to be honest with myself (and the other only, which is where my biggest mistake, dishonesty and disloyalty was).
The verbal expression of these feelings are actions too, it is correct to say this - but what I meant was that there was no physical expression ei sexual contact etc.
In all honesty, the 'feelings' were 'easy' to walk away from because the 'other' expressed their disinterest in a poly relationship, and I was not interested in leaving my husband (this was not implied or asked of, just that the 'other' is mono and wanted to stay that way) After the situation came to a head, we (other and I) discontinued contact with my request for space to work on my relationship with my husband and the damage I had done to it. The 'other' just sent me a message stating that they had a harder time walking away than they thought, and wondered about the possibility of starting contact again - on respectful grounds, with my husband as the primary importance.
Hence my question, because I know that my husband will NOT be ok with this, and will NOT support a relationship in this arena due to the heartbreak that was caused from my dishonesty to begin with. I am scared to bring up the topic again (as of now, time to heal has been a request and to spend more energy focusing on our relationship - date nights, etc, which has been fantastic) as I kept all of my feelings hidden and denied prior (you can read that as secretive, because it was on my part, the denial of feelings) and this situation has given me the out to be open with my husband.....but this new message has thrown my head for a loop, and given me new thoughts to rework.
I am not trying to "justify" anything - I had feelings, wasnt honest with them because I was scared silly as to what that meant to my marriage, didnt want to hurt my husband, hurt my husband, and am now left confused and still not wanting to hurt my husband whom I love and do not want to lose as an amazing contribution to my life.
I f*cked up, and am feeling like the loss of the 'other' and the trust of my husband are the consequences - ones that really suck to swallow. Thats all.