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Old 09-01-2011, 05:51 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think what's happening for you, HK, is that you're letting yourself be distracted by thoughts of your gf, all these romantic and sexy feelings, and they're getting in the way of really being present when you're with your bf. You're daydreaming and fantasizing, which takes you away from seeing who is in front of you. You're looking at him through a filter of "not her." And whenever we compare people, there is always a winner, and a loser who comes up short. And to top it all off, you're judging yourself for doing it, and when we judge ourselves, we feel bad, and everything gets colored by that -- it's an endless cycle. When you are hard on yourself, then you will also be hard on your partner. All of which prevents you from seeing the real person standing in front of you, or the nature of the actual situation. How wonderful to have two people in your life who love you, yet you are focused on seeing it as problematic.

Oftentimes in long-term relationships people stop seeing their partner fresh every day. We start to feel like they are predictable and we just... know them. Bo-o-oring! It takes really snapping out of the fog and getting present to see all the beautiful, new things about someone who is always growing and changing every day, just like you are. Even those we feel we know very well. If you can just become aware of those times that you're lost in those thoughts that take you away or thinking about your life or relationship as a problem, redirect your attention away from these self-involved thoughts, and get engaged in whatever life is presenting you at that moment, then you're saying yes to what is and transforming it from a problem into... magic.

For example, when your bf came up to you at the wedding, instead of feeling bad that you were thinking about your gf, you could have looked into his eyes and shared with him the beauty and love you saw in the happy couple as they looked at each other. As a way to connect with him. It could've started a very satisfying, warm, and intimate conversation with him -- or simply given you both a nice moment together, instead of distance. Rather than fighting with yourself over what you were daydreaming about (just an example). So whenever you start beating yourself up for these thoughts, and feeling sorry about how things are, and thinking everything should be different, look around and get present. Life is happening in the here and now, not in daydreams and fantasies. Make sense?
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-01-2011 at 06:45 AM.
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