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Old 09-01-2011, 12:31 AM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 48
Unhappy I think I am gay. Or maybe just falling out of love.. Or both..

*Long post warning*

I posted my story here

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8929

(to summarize I've been with my bf close to 5 yrs, and my gf almost 1 year now)

and here is something I posted explaining my confusion in another thread:

Quote:
I'm so confused as to what to do and how to not hurt anyone. I know a lot of bi girls go through "phases" if you will of being more attracted to girls or guys but I'm having trouble figuring out how to get past this if it is just a phase and keep my boyfriend from being unhappy or leaving me. I love him, he's the person I trust more than anyone, he means so much to me and makes me feel so secure. He has never had as high of a sex drive as me though.

Throughout the first few yrs we've been together I would try to initiate sex very often but he couldn't get into it as much or often and it kind of made me feel rejected so I got discouraged. We had some ups in our sex life when we brought other girls in with us and that made us both more excited. Things didn't work out too well with a girl we were both dating so I gave up on that and happened to meet the girl of my dreams shortly after that ended. She is a lesbian so she's not someone we're dating together.

We hit it off phenomenally in bed the kind of sex I've always dreamed of... It felt like a light turned on in my head and something clicked since I've met her and nothing feels more right than being with a woman not just sexually but emotionally and romantically. The passion I have with her is like nothing I've ever felt before and she just drives me wild.

It's sooo lovely but also sad on the other hand. I'm so confused about how to feel. Being so utterly satisfied with her has made me sad and resent the fact that I've never had this kind of passion with my bf. He is my rock, he understands me, he's one of the smartest people I know and most influential people in my life. He's taught me so much and I love who he is. I love what he's about, I love his family, his way of thinking, and we've always made a great team. But.... I am just not interested in him sexually anymore. I try to make an effort and get it on. I try to do what I know makes him feel good and I try to show him what I like but it feels awkward and upsetting. I love him to death but the thought of being with a man just isn't doing it for me. I'm going to keep trying but also keeping the door open for him to be with other women if I can't give him everything he needs. I guess we'll just have to see where this goes and see if my feelings change.
Well my feelings aren't changing, and the awkwardness and sadness and confusion is only getting worse. My bf, he gets me, he can practically read my mind at times, he is the best at comforting me and honestly as close to perfect I believe a bf could get. Problem is.. I don't feel that "spark" with him anymore. Yes of course he does make me smile and he makes me happy because he is a fantastic person, so sweet, generous and loving. He makes me laugh. But I feel a sense of uneasiness around our relationship.

The sex thing ^ was what first started it. Now I get so anxious when anything sexual starts to come up and I try to avoid it as much as I can. When we are physical I feel like I'm acting, like I just want it to be over with, it's so sad & wrong. I've thought, well maybe I can just tell him what I'm going through, I can tell him I have been feeling awkward about sex with him and men in general. It would hurt him but at least I can tell him I want to help him find an amazing girl to be with sexually. And I'll continue doing my best to be affectionate even if I can't give it my all sexually... I don't know... That sounds stupid...

Anyway, while I was letting all those thoughts sit in my head, other feelings have started to change. When I'm spending time with him all I can think about is her, and yes people have said it's probably just NRE but the fact of the matter is sometimes it feels like we don't have that much in common anymore. He has said it himself (not in terms of us drifting apart just to help me try and understand myself more - he's a bit older than me) that at my age I'm changing a lot and learning about myself, and it's very true. I see our life goals in the future being very similar and at the time being kind of alike, but I am in need of such adventure, excitement and passion. My gf is my same age and we have been picking up new hobbies together, saving up and traveling as much as we can, cooking and exploring new foods & restaurants together (bf isn't big on food and isn't as adventurous as me) and even coming up with business endeavors together. The rush I get when we're together is unlike anything I've felt with him, so sadly, maybe he just isn't as energetic or as passionate of a person as her and I, it's hard to say exactly...

The one thing that really hurt me and made me start to question just everything... was when I went to a friend's wedding with my bf. He was joking around with his friends at the reception while I was looking at the bride and groom, noticing how in love they were and watching the way they stared into each other's eyes. Seeing how special it was for them to share their love with everyone. It was so romantic. All I could think about was my gf. How much I'd love to hold her and have our "wedding dance" together, how madly she makes my heart flutter, how adorable our wedding would be if we planned one together. Everything would be perfect, I would be flying. My bf came up to me as I was day dreaming about her and I didn't feel that at all with him... I felt so distant. It was such a confusing feeling, and it still is. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about how I don't have that kind of magic with him.

I don't know what to do. I never thought things would end with him but I have this feeling, wondering if things will ever be the same. Idk if I should keep these feelings to myself in order to avoid hurting my bf, and hope our love will grow strong again... or what I should do. I feel like I am lying to him. The worst part is how in love with me he says he is. He always tells me he wants the best for me and when we're together he always tells me how grateful he is just to be able to spend time with me and how lucky he feels because he "knows" there's no other girl out there like me. Idk what to do. I'm just so sad, ...lost... help?
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